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My turds float like choc’late marshamallows
Just lurking about in the shallows
I guess that my butt
Is truly kaput
So doctor suggests bitter aloes
I questioned such treatment regime
Doc said it may keep my butt clean
Aloe on my finger
Won’t cause me to linger
And floaters will look like whipped cream
Doc chuckled and said “Listen here
Your floaters are nothing to fear”
Poop floats cos you’ve gas
Which is passed through your ***
No treatment’s required my dear.
DISCLAIMER - THIS IS NO REFLECTION ON THE STATE OF MY BOWELS JUST NEEDED A LITTLE LIGHTHEARTED RELIEF AFTER A VERY CHALLENGING WEEK
humorous, , cute,
Written by Jan Allison & Tim Smith
28th August 2014
Vincent van Gogh**
Sliced his left ear off
Only one painting did Van Gogh sell -
maybe he didn’t hear the doorbell!
The only painting Van Gogh sold during his lifetime was Red Vineyard at Arles
**Based on the European pronunciation of the name which is Van Goff!
Entered into Premiere contest #11 sponsored by Skat A
farm, humorous, sexy,
A curvaceous lady named Mary
Just loved having sex in the dairy
When smothered with whipped cream
Her beau would lick her clean…
His Calorie intake was scary!!!
14th June 2016
1st December 2014
fun, humorous, word play,
Two scruffy pirates picked me up.
Intending to toss me overboard.
I weighed too much; they were struggling.
They needed to lighten their load.
But I was not going easy.
I purposefully got heavier.
"She is flotsom," the tall fat one said.
"Jetsam," the dumb ugly one argued.
"Let's get a dictionary," I said. "Let's do this right."
This gave me a few more days,
as there were no books on this ship.
Sir Henry was playing his flute
He also was smoking cheroot
But when his attire
Was soon caught on fire
I’m guessing he’s not so astute!
Contest: Famous Einstein Quotes – John Freeman
Albert Einstein Quote ‘The only source of knowledge is experience’
~awarded 1st place~
humorous, lust, natural disasters,
Ted enjoys a quick roll in the hay...
He’s sleeping with his buxom P A
She confirmed she’s with child
Ted baulked, then got quite riled
I wonder what his wife’s got to say!
humorous, nursery rhyme,
Jack and Jill went up the hill
With thoughts of making love
Jack hadn’t got a condom
So cut a finger off Jill’s glove
The glove was far too small for him
And it didn’t fit his todger
Now they are proud parents
Of a baby they called Rodger!
1st October 2016
Another poem written after being inspired by Ilene Bauer's poem three blind mic
All over the Stove
Don’t let Pa Find This
Brother Got the Macaroni He Wanted
The Hostess Treat that Hid in the Pantry Corner
Oops! Leftovers Two Weeks old
For Brian Strand's the 'ALL YOURS (Feb 23)' Poetry Contest
Tubby or not tubby
fat is the question!
21st November 2014
No one wants to be left on the shelf for years
Guess you could say I’ve popped my cork
Now I’m fully mature with a rich full body
I could be described as a little fruity with a hint of spice
Please don’t keep me bottled up
Just give me time to breathe
Contest :- A wine Connoisseur
Sponsor: Chase Trevi
One look at you – that’s all it took
Your long long legs that seem to go on forever
Those eyes staring at me
All I feel for you is revulsion
Hate – it’s a horrible word but I simply detest you
There will never be a place for you in my life ...
Then I flushed the spider down the plughole!
26th March 2015
appreciation, giving, humorous, poetry, thanks,
I’ve received an incredible gift
It has given my heart such a lift
But the date that I see
Is what now concerns me –
It’s the date I no longer exist!!!
Today I was gifted a 'lifetime' premium membership but it is somewhat disconcerting to see it ends on 3/20/2077. I hope TPS aren't psychic!!!!
My mother's great great aunt lived to 111 and 121 days and was in the Guinness book of records - I hope I am around a long long time to make full use of this incredible gift.
14th October 2016
Today for lunch I dined on some Tex-Mex cuisine,
jalapeno topped enchiladas and refried beans;
a favorite here in Texas, that can’t be denied,
but this afternoon I am battling the fire inside.
Washed it down with a margarita and wedge of lime,
it was very soothing and delicious at the time.
It gave my head a little buzz and made me cross-eyed,
but now my gut is suffering from this fire inside.
I used to have no trouble eating this spicy food,
but now it causes burning in my stomach to intrude.
And yet I do not worry for in my desk does hide
a jar of Tums to relieve me from this fire inside.
November 7, 2017
Poem of the Day - November 8, 2017
art, dark, evil, funny, humorous, internet,
poem will resume very soon
turn off ad block
is not that kind of poem
please favorite me
I am flavor to be
pause for second ad
add ads, subtract ads
multiply wine ads
get more wine
is a long damn add
bought the Mercedes
snap snap and chat
I never leave home
there she rests
in the trunk
with that new car smell
everything is modern these days
even my jail cell
body, clothes, humorous,
Sue’s panties gave her so much woe -
She suffered from dire ‘camel toe’
But with help from soft plastic
Her new outline’s fantastic
It’s discrete and no one would know!
They chatted for so long
The day was here to meet
She was so excited
Feeling her hearts every beat
He was Scottish and oh so lovely
She thought he may be the one
She had looked for red flags
But there had been none
Meeting place was at the pier
The wind was blowing a fearsome gale
Her beautiful brushed hair blew wild and free
The gusts were steadfast with no intention to curtail
He stood there handsomely in traditional Scottish dress
She thought her heart had stopped
A mighty gust of wind then blew his kilt up
Thats the moment she knew…..she had hit the jackpot!!
funny, humor, humorous, poetry, poets, wisdom, writing,
How high the bar that makes a poet Real!
(He walks in mists, and shadows of himself)
To be a poet, is to burn with steel
Set short time in the forge, the lesser self!
He brands his heart with fiery words, set down
And burns his mind with thinking, ‘til it glows,
He hopes, of sonnets, his will be the Crown,
And hopes that all the brilliance of light, shows!
But, oftener, he writes a humble piece,
A few words cramped into a simple form,
But somehow, in his feelings, a release!
Yes, humble-bumble often is the norm.
And that high bar, he reaches seldom, and
Leaves barefoot footprints in the fruity sand.
fun, humorous, light,
the day I died
was a rainy one
but the sun came out
in the nick of time
I can laugh about it now
but it was a worry
appreciation, beauty, humorous, ireland, universe,
Dramatic prose for the pompous asses
I throw my Platos at you
If you come any closer
I will Socrates you right in the nose
Demands, demands!!!! The clowns now have demands?
I say, rise up oh poets of the infinite dot universe
Proclaim the revolution a new
Justify our fight with words wrapped in doo doo
When I see a condescending donkey trip on his verbatim
I laughs cause I know he will fall into Satan's den
I am at eleven, usually a sober man
I carry my saber high and shout "Ekphrasis I don’t give a bloody damn"
Infinite ............................ Universe
father daughter, health, humorous,
I’d heap spoonfuls of sugar in my tea
I wouldn’t drink it without it you see
That sweet syrupy drink
Wasn’t poured down the sink
Every single drop was supped up by me!
Dad’s diabetes made me think -
Did I need to sweeten my drink
So I cut sugar out
And I don’t have a doubt
I’m slimmer and I’m in the pink
Contest: Two Lenses
Sponsor Sara Kendrick
crush, funny love, humorous, teacher,
As I look back, it all seems funny now
Recalling all those awkward teen age years
I pushed the limits farther than allowed
Supposedly when young, we had no fears
Infatuation caught me with the blues
My heart was swollen by love's gentle sting
It was a crush that only left a bruise
Left by the diamond in her wedding ring
The first day I laid eyes on her, I fell
The lightning bolt she was, that shook my world
And to this day I swear I'd know her smell
Could she have read my mind, she'd likely hurled
I hated school but never missed her class
She said she loved me 'cause I made her laugh
original poem by Daniel Turner
fun, humor, humorous, tribute,
O, black and potent beverage
each morning that I rise
you give me greater leverage
you make me strong and wise
O, elixir of higher thought
rejuvenate my mind
I percolate you in my pot
through dark beans that I grind
With sugar some would sweeten you
and lighten you with cream
but black and strong will be my brew
like women in my dreams
O, steaming dark deliciousness
please keep me wide awake
and bring me higher consciousness
upon my coffee break
© Mike Wise
A busty young lady from Peel
Her boobies she couldn't conceal
They were such a huge size
That she won a first prize
For the fruit men most wanted to feel
7th April 2015
I made a bit of a boob on the 2nd line - thanks Paul Callus for your advice