Humorous and funny Husband poems and/or funny poems about Husband. Read, share, and enjoy these hilarious Husband funny poems! Also, try our sister website's powerful search engine for poems or see our other Husband Poems.
abuse, funny, husband, me,
BLACK and BLUE
Today I wonder,
You hit me in the eye,
you made me cry.
My eyes are brown,
Now they're black and blue.
Is that what I get for loving you?
My lips are pink, now they're bloody red.
Is that what I get!!!
Do you wish I were dead?
My teeth are white,
I just lost three,
Is that what I get over a little fight?
I see a smile underneath,
I see you leaving with the police.
I finally got rid of you.
I can't believe I waited,
UNTIL I WAS BLACK AND BLUE.
NOTE: True story, I finally did the right thing and called the cops
JSLambert Mister ROBOTO
allegory, fantasy, father, funny, girlfriend-boyfriend, happiness, health, hope, husband, imagination, life, love, passion, people, places, romance, social, wife,
There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'
but when it got little
his pills became skittles
until he O.D.'d on Viagra
© ~JSLambert 2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!
funny, husband, wife,
When you come home late at night
Open the door and turn on the light
You had better be extremely quite
Or your goodly wife you may excite
And I'm sure she will not be polite
When she orders you out of her sight
There is no use trying to be contrite
The dog will have company overnight
Your goose is well and truly cooked alright
children, family, humor, husband, imagery, stress,
Monday Morning Madness
Just because the morning starts
like the morning straight from hell,
and the little one is screaming
and you need a magic spell,
just because you burned the pancakes
and the bacon, well it’s crisp,
do not rant and rave and stutter
or you’ll acquire a nasty lisp!
If your husband’s little habits
drive you batty, do not fret,
but don’t fill his cup with poison;
well, perhaps at least not yet!
If the dog destroyed your curtains
and your mother-in-law is back,
and you hurt your precious pinky
when you tried to nail a tack,
do not turn suicidal
and do not give up, no way!
After all it’s just the morning!
You still have the whole damn day!
body, caregiving, crazy, funny, health, husband, rude,
Girls, if you ever find a man of great persistence
Listen to your ******, and say NO! with adequate resistance
You see chicks, when a dude gets a hard dick
If it's dirty, it can make you super sick
Painful pisses and cloudy urine will follow suit
All because Dirty Dick Man wanted to discharge his root
So, ladies, beware...there are diseases out there
No Dick gets serviced until it's clean and faire
Run, scream, shout, "Spank your ****ing monkey!"
Please, I beg of you, do as I now propose
Keep your ****** sparkling clean-never let it decompose.
age, america, humor, husband, old,
She told the police, Please help me
My husband is missing you see
First he was there, then he was gone
And I don't know where he could be
The police seemed concerned and said,
Describe this man that's not around
If we don't have a description
We fear he may never be found
He has a patch over one eye
The one that he lost in the war
He wears a small hat on his head
That doesn't have hair anymore
He lost a finger sawing wood
And a toe when mowing the lawn
I guess he was mostly missing
before he was even gone!
I'm like a fart
Puff I'm here
There is no easy escape
Once I am here
No one gets away
Once I've gone
It's only a matter of time
Before I return
For my husband on chili night... Love you!!
humorous, husband, marriage,
Followed me home
I wanted to keep them but they had better plans.
I ate eight of them yesterday, with cool, cold milk.
My husband asked today if I need anything from the store.
Oreo cookies! My happy side yells.
We have already gained so much weight, my ugly self complains.
My husband does not hear the words,
But he knows me well.
Followed him home.
food, funny, humor, humorous, husband, wife,
“I think I’ll go out,” the husband said.
The wife let it slide for about a half hour.
Then she asked, “Where are you going?”
There was no reply, so she walked into the living room.
He had sneaked out, being careful to make no noise with the latch.
She knew what that meant.
She had him on a strict diet, and a locater application.
She got on her phone and looked at it.
As she suspected he was at the Donut Deli down the road
No doubt eating the things he was never supposed to eat.
He had had so many affairs with sweet, fried things.
She got on her coat, determined to stop him.
humorous, husband, relationship, wife, word play,
I knew an old woman from Greece
Whose whinging words would seldom cease
She’d constantly whine
When drunk on red wine
Her husband’s in dire need of peace!
How much cash does a Grecian earn -
such questions I tried hard to spurn
Her husband went mad
and did something bad -
she’s interred in a Grecian urn!
JSLambert Mister ROBOTO
caregiving, childhood, confusion, family, father, children, funny, happiness, holiday, husband, imagination, life, mother, natural disasters, nature, parody, people, places, satire, social, son, teen, wife
***NOTE~TO BE READ WITH A RIDICULOUS "SILKY SOUTHERN DRAWL" (have fun:)***
"Storm over yet...?"
"Well hay'ell ye'ah!
sum'body git me a da'gumm cole beer.
whadda'bou that boy th'er?
sum'body git him'a cole beer too!"
"Diddy! that boy ain't nothin' but 8 years old!"
na'I don't give a jolly'durn, if he ain't nuttin but 8 year'owed!
'dat boy dun' sat him thr'ew a big ol', storm!
torna'durr warnin' too!
he gonna have him'a cole burr;
mama, git him'a cole burr!
ta'days father's day!"
© 2011 ~JSLambert Esquire
confusion, home, humorous, husband, marriage, sexy, wife,
The dishes are done,
Kids are asleep and dreaming.
Want to watch T.V.?
Privacy at last.
The kids will not disturb us.
Want to hug and smooch?
The dishes are done.
No one will disturb us, but
She's got a headache.
Whatever I did,
It must have been bad, because
She keeps saying, "No."
candy, change, desire, food, kids, funny, house, husband, imagination, mystery, poems, senses, sweet,
The taste of homemade Carmel so sweet/ everyone I know desires the treat.
After one night in the kitchen covered/ half the pan gone, next morning discovered.
Is it my beagle Lily whom loves any food? / she seems in a hyper beagle mood.
I know I heard a squeak in the night / a dream ? No, for low was the kitchen light.
T'was my husband, for he can't resist/ soft , buttered brown sugar , a Vanilla twist.
funny, happy, husband, marriage,
His lovely wife is named Heaven
She scolds him seventy times seven
Yet, Big Joe just never really cared
In Heaven he lives happily, hearing impaired!
Stacey Brown 2-6-14
Dr. Ram Mehta contest
Husbands are in heaven
whose wives scold not
funny, husband, mom, sexy,
adventure, funny, husband, love, parody, passion, wife,
There once was a woman named Shar,
Who went to her local State Fair,
Her husband came too,
Can't say no to you,
And they were quickly thrown out of there
funny love, husband,
There was an old woman called Hattie
whose hubby's name for her was fattie.
So she cooked his goose
hung him from a noose
then buried him in a cow pattie!
Self-employed and partner in life
He "hired" some other guy's wife
Making golfing balls
Now he has two holes
My new business ?...Surgical Knives...
for Carolyn Devonshire's "Horrible Bosses"
I'm just about deaf because of me wife,
Her very loud voice has caused all the strife,
It always goes up an octave or two
When she thinks I've made an incredible blue,
Trouble is I've been making mistakes all of me life.
allegory, family, father, funny, husband, mother, wife
I wish I could be a fly on the wall,
When my poor old mother gets the phone call,
“He’s here at the bar
Quick bring us your car,
Your husband just got in a brawl”
football, funny, humor, husband, men, wife,
car, humor, husband, love, wife,
The neighbors were running in fear
As into front room car did steer
What fate had approved
His words soon removed
Your parking’s improving my dear
fun, humor, husband, loss, marriage, wife,
That's a week the wife has been missing
For years I've so longed this hoping
Prepare for the worst the Police said
Panic thoughts in my head
The Charity shop was not my so wishing
computer-internet, family, children, funny, husband, wedding, wife
I woke up in rapture, when she started to sing.
Naughty whispers in my ears, “Someone’s coming”
My ecstatic view;
A child is due!
Then she continues, “My mother’s visiting”
animals, funny, husband, life
Husband's glasses squeeze nose