Humorous and funny Jewish poems and/or funny poems about Jewish. Read, share, and enjoy these hilarious Jewish funny poems!
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
drink, holiday, humor, jewish, truth,
Pass Out
Passover Passover Pass out
What’s all the commotion about
Those four cups of wine
My eyes don’t align
Passover Passover Pass out
* * * *
The first night of Passover --
outside of Israel, the first two
nights -- Jewish law requires
that one over age 13 drink
four cups of wine. Those who
are strict do not substitute
grape juice. (I do ~ Mr. Stricken)
Written by
Robert Pettit
Categories:
funny
Jewish Limerick
This man in Brooklyn named Isadore,
some big sandwiches he would adore.
Corned beef and pastrami,
and kosher salami.
He can’t fit in his clothes anymore.
Who says a limerick has to be Irish?
Written by
Volodymyr Knyr
Categories:
arabic, conflict, evil, fear, humorous, insect, jewish, people,
An Anti-Semite
For a Semite a mite
is an anti-Semite.
Volodymyr Knyr
2014
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
giggle, golf, jewish,
Hey, Hey -- A Hole-in-One
There once was a Rabbi lived in Big Sur
Who could drive a golf ball straight, far, and sure
When he got a hole-in-one
He sighed, “Why, this is no fun”
Who could he tell? ~ it was on Yom Kippur*
________________________________________
*Properly pronounced: Yome KiPOOR... Not a day
for playing golf, esp. if you are a Rabbi!!
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
food, funny, jewish,
A Tale of Kosher Shrimp
Hymie Frankel sat in a restaurant
in the courtyard of a mall
Hymie was aware for sure
that the fare wasn’t kosher at all
The Rabbi of Hymie’s synagogue
just happened to walk past
When he noticed where Hymie was
he let out an awful gasp
Hymie, friend, what’s eating you
You know you mustn’t dine here
‘Now don’t you fret, Rabbi Cohen
There’s nothing whatsoever to fear’
‘You’ve seen me order, have you not?’
‘Yes, I have, but what’s that got—’
‘And you’ve seen me eat the shrimp they brought?’
‘Yes, I have. That’s why I’m so hot—’
‘Then, good! You’ll surely agree with the court’s decision
~ I’m dining under strict Rabbinic supervision!’
Written by
Chaim Wilson
Categories:
community, humorous, jewish, joy, march,
Purim Amp Stamp
We're mailing Purim cards w Latino Food stamps, hence this poem will accompany:
Purim Amp Stamp!
Note the Stamps?
"Not chosen, Just Hurled"?,
Au contraire, They're Lamps,
Hot Tamales Unfurled,
Latino Spirit, Un-cramped,
Eruv Cha-Chas Whirled,
Courtesy, the House of Ramps,
Marano Purim: A Hidden World,
Andale! Andale! Ay Caramba Amps!
Freilichin Purim!!!
(Note: I'm handicapped, hence "The House of Ramps")
Written by
Chaim Wilson
Categories:
blessing, friendship, fun, giving, humorous, jewish, joy,
Purim Serum
Purim Serum
Reverse the decree, costume quorum,
Dour outlooks, ingrates can wait,
To “V’Al HaNissim” respond “Amen!”
‘Til Shichur or REM inebriate,
Confusing “Baruch Mordechai & Arur Haman”,
Choose an opponent as a receiver of being considerate,
Send Mishloach Manos, listen quietly to Ahem!
Uplift with LeChaim! Drink Schnaps to hydrate,
To a Purim Seudah gather friends,
Imbibe wine! Purim Torah relate,
Hamantaschen savor as Oneg’s the end,
Be generous to a fault, an Oni sate,
Is Purim Serum bourbon?
Or Simcha shared? Requires Iyon, Ruminate!
This poem may be wordy surplus, excess, abundant,
Which means “A lot!” Not at all “Definate”
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
bible, giggle, jewish, marriage, relationship,
Which Way Did Moses Go
The verse says at age 120 'Moses went'
but didn't mention where he was going
Some say to Heaven he was sent
yet many Rabbis profess not knowing
Though I'm neither Rabbi nor scholar
I'll bet you ten bucks to a dollar
That '24/7 with G-d' gave old Grandpa psychosis
~ so he moved right back in with Grandma Moses
__________________________________
Deuteronomy 31:1 -- 'And Moses went,
and he spoke the following words to all
Israel.' (Translated from Hebrew by
chabad.org)
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
drink, food, giggle, holiday, jewish, symbolism,
Hung Over 'Til June
Passover’s coming so soon, so soon
In two more orbits of the moon, the moon
Please take a matzo or a macaroon, macaroon
And sing us a festival tune, tune...
At least matzo ball soup can’t be ruined, ruined
Unless you eat it with a teaspoon, teaspoon
Use a nice-size, silver soup-spoon, soup-spoon
Just don’t overeat, or you’ll swoon, you’ll swoon…
From four cups of wine no one’s immune, immune
So sleep late tomorrow, ‘til high noon, high noon
Hope you’re not hung over ‘til June, ‘til June ~
But if you are, with ‘spirits’ you'll commune, commune…
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
drink, giggle, holiday, jewish,
Deeper Meaning
After four cups of wine
He was feeling 'just fine'
Asked, 'What's Passover about?'
~ The Rabbi passed out!
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
baseball, faith, humorous, jewish,
A 'Man of Faith'
My Rabbi greeted me with the fact
which he presented without any tact
“Mr. Wolf, WHEN are you coming back?”
it felt like a frontal attack
Just then he noticed my baseball cap
‘SOX’ in white, inscribed on black
Saying, “I apologize for judging you in haste”
~ Now I see you’re still a ‘man of faith’
Written by
Anil Deo
Categories:
bible, business, god, humor, jesus, jewish, violence,
Humor At Jesus' Expense - 22 May 2020
Why was Jesus a Leftist? please extrapolate.
In John 2, Jesus overturns the money-changers' tables
In Mark 11, and Matthew 23, He cleansed the Temple of trade
He got to the City, took a left turn, not right to Roman garrisons
Jesus made a left, upset trade, earned his stripes as a LEFTIST.
Smith Wigglesworth, on the Bible, the only book he learned to read at 23: "When I read the newspaper I feel dirtier than I went in. When I read the Bible I feel cleaner than I went in. And I like feeling clean."
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
holiday, home, humor, jewish, life,
Sitting and Shmoozing
While most Soupers are snoozing
I'll be sitting in a shaky hut, shmoozing
Half-wishing that I were warm and cozy inside
Yet mostly glad to abide
by the precepts of Sukkoth, which require
me to live in that hut '24/7' ~ though not expire!
Written by
Chaim Wilson
Categories:
anniversary, humorous, jewish, joy, love, wife,
Chaim Tickles the Ivories On Our 14th
Chaim Tickles the Ivories on our 14th
Blooma Yehudis's Cure for Tickle Cell Anemia:
The Bilecks, Chaim's Piano & Poor Puns,
Bananagram Moshe, Laundry & Sleep-o-mania,
Shalom Bais, Cookin', & Walkin' at Ann's,
Savoring, Chaim sings "Hail Fredonia!!!",
Don't be Hasty! The Tasty Final Crumb Stuns,
Bottom Line: Wondrous Wife, Cozy Compania,
When Blooma is Home, Chaim Runs!
Note: Ivory for the 14th
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
holiday, humorous, jewish,
Matzo Shake and Bake
Passover’s only one short week away
Though we have yet to start cleaning, oy vey!
Smiley faces wear no frowns
We’ll turn our house upside down
Shake and bake matzo in boxes ~ Ole!
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
bible, history, humor, jewish,
One Step at a Time
Moses had exciting news
for his people, his fellow Jews
G-d said, From Bondage I shall now rescue you
From the land of Egypt I will deliver you too
The Holy Torah I shall bestow upon you
Bring you to the Promised Land
Your vision of Peoplehood to refresh and renew
What’s this? Moses says you can’t hear Me
That you’re exhausted from slavery
OK. I understand. Let’s take this one step at a time ~
The matzo’s on me... Then mountains you’ll climb
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
angel, god, history, humor, jewish, prayer,
Swimming Lesson
Ancient Egyptians worshiped idols
Their slaves, the Jews, did too
So, to the Lord the angels complained
On Your holiness do You desire a stain
Why save these two groups of idolaters
Drown them both in the sea several kilometers
Yet the angels didn't get their way
For ill-treating Jews, Egypt paid...
Sure, the Lord says pray only to Him
But if you don't ~ Make sure you can swim
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
history, humor, jewish, war,
Total Unity
Whether secular, religious, or 'just-let-me-be'
Sefardi, Ethiopian, or Ashkenazi
90% of my fellow Israelis agree
today in Israel there's 110% unity
Behind this statistic lies an amazing fact:
For 75 years now, the 'Who is a Jew' question's been asked
yet no definitive answer, Israel's lawmakers not up to the task
So how the devil can our sworn enemies wipe us all out
If they don't know who 'we' are, how can they put 'us' to rout
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
giggle, jewish, nostalgia, song,
An Old Song Done Up New
Each year Passover gives new meaning to
A fine old song that's done up new
That old story of Pharaoh and Moses ~
Now called 'The Days of Wine and Charoses'
Note: The first two nights of Passover
four cups of wine are drunk...
The 'charoses' are a mixture of
shredded apple, ground walnuts,
cinnamon, and a taste of wine,
all of which remind us of the bricks
Jews (as slaves) made with back-
breaking labor in Egypt.
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
food, holiday, humor, irony, jewish,
The Lighter Side of Antisemitism
For those who want to ‘kill all the Jews’
Here’s some food for thought
Get a rabbi to extend Passover one more week
You’ll love what will have been wrought
For another week of ‘matzo only’
Jews’ stomachs will do somersaults
And that way it won’t be antisemitism’s fault
~ that our bowel functions came to a halt
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
god, humor, jewish, perspective,
Off i Nod
On this day, you must rest
to pass my Sabbath test
thunders Almighty God
Not to rest’s
a bigger test, (sigh i)
~ as off i nod
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
abortion, food, humor, jewish,
Cook Me up a Jewish Dish
Matzo ball soup, gefilte fish
cook me up a Jewish dish
Kneidels and kreplach, knishes too
a bissele Chinese, egg yong foo…
Chopped liver and herring
and if you’re so daring
Grind the horseradish to bits
serve mit red onion shpritz
Nisht fargessen dessert
rugelach and torts
Roe v. Wade’s overturned ~
it's kosher to abort
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
body, humor, jewish,
This' Twainism's' Personal
"The Jews are like everyone else, only more so."
~ Mark Twain
Since I am ‘more so’ ~
that explains my hefty torso
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
food, humor, jewish, mother son, prayer,
Custodian of Tradition
My son Jacob, he follows traditions
Religious, he has certain ambitions
He prays to God three times a day
I think he even knows what to say
Straight as an arrow, and square as a box
Jacob took a liking to bagels and lox
Sister snitched: Jacob prays right before he eats
~ that I don't slip a slice of pork in his daily treat
Written by
Gershon Wolf
Categories:
fire, giggle, jewish, light, time,
In Under the Wire
Getting this in just under the wire
In a few minutes, my wife lights the wicks' fires *
If I don't finish this poem and get the clothes from the dryer
She'll light my buttocks as Friday afternoon expires
_________________________________________________
Candle-lighting time for this Sabbath (Friday afternoon) in
Chicago is 5:16 p.m, 20 minutes before sunset... Sabbath
Peace to one and all.