Humorous and funny America poems and/or funny poems about America. Read, share, and enjoy these hilarious America funny poems!
Written by
Skat A
Categories:
abuse, funny, husband, me,
Black and Blue
BLACK and BLUE
Today I wonder,
Wonder why?
You hit me in the eye,
you made me cry.
My eyes are brown,
Now they're black and blue.
Is that what I get for loving you?
My lips are pink, now they're bloody red.
Is that what I get!!!
Do you wish I were dead?
My teeth are white,
I just lost three,
Is that what I get over a little fight?
I see a smile underneath,
I see you leaving with the police.
I finally got rid of you.
I can't believe I waited,
UNTIL I WAS BLACK AND BLUE.
SK
NOTE: True story, I finally did the right thing and called the cops
Written by
Eric Nolan
Categories:
funny, happiness, life, satire, upliftingme, me,
My Butt Crack
My butt crack
Is quite a split
It supports the rest of me
when I sit
you thought I was gonna say something else didn't you ?
My butt crack
Is a marvel to behold
It was cute when I was young
but now offensive since I'm old
My butt crack
Is pretty darn straight
can you imagine if it was crooked
pretty weird sight I would rate
My butt crack
Is funny to me
when I bend over in my jeans
It peeks out
for you to see
My butt crack
wanted me to write this today
for no other reason
then just to say......................
I gotta split
LOL
Eric (and sometimes not)
Written by
Merv Webster
Categories:
funny, me, , memorial,
Bert's Will
"A cappuccino would be nice
And thank you Anne dear friend.
Since Bert has died I've felt quite lost,
But time has helped things mend."
"I guess what hurt the most dear Anne
Was finding in Bert's will;
To me he never left a thing;
A truly bitter pill."
"He never left you anything!
I thought Bert more sincere,
But is that diamond ring not new
You're wearing sister dear?"
"Well let me put it this way Anne.
Bert's will did leave a bit;
Five grand for a memorial stone
And this dear Anne ... is it."
Written by
Jan Allison
Categories:
friendship, humorous, me, poetry, thanks, tribute,
The Queen of Poop On Poetry Soup
I post my poems on poetry soup
About farting and guys with brewer’s droop
I’ve been given a crown
And I won’t let Flo down
Be assured I’ll keep on posting my poop!
Posted in conjunction with my blog about my amazing gifts from F J Thomas
25th January 2017
Written by
Trevor Mcleod
Categories:
analogy, appreciation, character, destiny, children, funny, nonsense,
Me Myself and I
Me myself and I
were talking to myselve's
when we asked us a question
and they were not themselves.
They themselves and them
now questioning themselves
said we were not like them
and had to be yourselves.
You yourselve's and you
now separate from myselve's
meant you could not be me
and we could be ourselves.
Written by
Jan Allison
Categories:
dance, humorous, insect, romance, , cute,
Don'T Bug Me
Tom went to the ugly bug ball
Strange insects invaded the hall
Folks dressed up as fleas,
Cockroaches and bees
The smile on his face said it all
Tom hoped for a little romance
Asked a cute centipede to dance
She whacked him on the nose
When he trod on her toes
He went home in an ambulance!
7th April 2017
Written by
Charlie Knowlton
Categories:
animal, best friend, dog, funny, humor, pets, silly,
Top 10 Things My Dogs Have Never Said To Me
Top 10 things my dogs have never said to me. Ever!
Number 10…"Can we get a cat?"
Number 9…"No,…As a matter of fact I`m not happy to see you."
Number 8…"That`s ok, you eat the rest of that rib eye."
Number 7…"Sorry about your friends leg, and of course i`ll pay for the pillow."
Number 6…"Do I need a mint?"
Number 5…"And where have you been?"
Number 4…"Is there a 12 step group for butt sniffing?"
Number 3…"Please!…Do not rub my belly or scratch my ears. "
Number 2…" You threw it…You go get it."
And the number 1 answer is!
"That`s your third beer ya know."
Written by
Mike Gentile
Categories:
fun, humor, language,
Me Thinking, B Thinking
I’m thinking of the letter “B”
So close and yet so far
It seems a bit unfair to me
Let’s stop, reset the bar
We’ve cast the “B” to status, poor
With quality less pleasing
Like something from a discount store
A lack of something, teasing
Yet think of how essential,
I’m sure you will agree
Just think how consequential,
Not having a plan B
It also fronts some of the Best
And Brightest of our text
So much more, I’ve not addressed
But look what’s coming next!
Perhaps this is somewhat a stretch
But imagine Hamlet’s bray
With the words he’d have to retch,
To “A” or not to “A”
Written by
Jack Ellison
Categories:
funny,
Me In the Third Person
Strange thought just entered my head
What if I critiqued my own poems
D'ya think I'd really be tough on myself
Or would you detect a slight bias tone
Tried using the criteria of accepted norms
I'd be down at the bottom, no bones
But for humorous verse and originality
Call me Oliver Wendell Holmes
First I followed time honoured patterns
Of poets that have gone before
But that's not what makes a poet of note
Originality is what raises his score
So go ahead and break all the rules
That have been in place forever
Develop your style of creative writing
And be proud of your endeavour
Written by
Francis J Grasso
Categories:
fun, humorous, love,
Love Me
Leave me alone you beautified 6itch ;
Oh ghastly and ghoulish playpen of a witch.
Vases of roses are covering your deeds;
Eloquent verses describe your sick needs.
Many come calling but none ever leave;
Even my dumb heart now wants a reprieve.
written 04.02.2016
Written by
Lindsay Laurie
Categories:
humor,
Charitable Me
A woman crying, was looking around.
It appears that she lost one hundred pound,
so I think it is fair
that I show her I care -
I gave her ten from the hundred I found.
Written by
Jan Allison
Categories:
humorous, me, poetry,
WARNING THIS POEM CONTAINS TOILET HUMOUR
A poet, that's me I'm called Jan
Was NEVER a poetry fan
Now two books bear my name
Not for fortune or fame
I'll pen poop whenever I can!
If ever I am stuck for words
I resort to write about turds
Brown things that you poo
When you're sat on the loo
Poop poetry's not just for nerds!
Written by
Vince Suzadail Jr.
Categories:
funny, life, me, me,
Another Criminal Act
Before sentence is passed, please hear my plea
I promise to be the man that I should be
Don't give me death. Please be kind
I have a family I don't want to leave behind.
I was unaware at the time
That what I did was a horrible crime
So now I feel like a louse
Please don't kick me out of the house.
I know what I do now is totally right
I am surrendering without a fight
And with head bowed I know it's time
For me to pay for my crime.
From now on I will go straight
When I start snacking very late
The last thing I do after finishing my drink
Is put the damn dishes in the sink.
Written by
Jan Allison
Categories:
humorous, me, poetry,
Soup Poop
I once knew a poet named Jan
She writes when sitting on the can
Some people here at soup
Think her poems are poop
Not everyone is a Jan fan!
Contest: Sensitive Community
Sponsor Skat (but a PD contest)
02~24~16
Written by
Doreen Ambrose
Categories:
funny, me, me,
Crows Only Pick At the Best Fruit
(A Co-worker)
Stop hatin' on me you ole crow,
Why don't you give me what you owe-
Me and that is respect you old coot,
Don't you know that I know that crows
Only pick at the best fruit,
It's as if you can see my future better than I can,
That is why you are acting like a twisted fan,
All out of control and down right vindictive,
Usually that kind of behavior is indicative,
Of someone who is jealous hearted and bitter,
Misery loves company and baby sitters,
I wish you would quit slandering my name,
You have had your fifteen minutes of fame,
Stop hatin' on me you ole coot,
Don't you know that I know that crows
Only pick at the best fruit.
Written by
Jan Allison
Categories:
conflict, humorous, relationship,
A Little Bird Told Me
Sue decided to send Jim a tweet
She used words that were quite indiscreet
Calling him a fat turd -
(Using another word)
Their romance has taken a back seat!
12~23~16
Written by
Jan Allison
Categories:
humorous,
Call Me
I'm writing a phone book ... can I have your number?
04~30~15
Written by
Carolyn Devonshire
Categories:
funny, on writing and wordsme, me, muse,
A Scolding From My Muse
For Miranda Lambert’s “Inspired” contest
By Carolyn Devonshire
I wanted to write for this contest;
But my muse was staging a protest.
“Take me to the sea,” it pled,
“In this house, I languish, dead;
Put me in touch with nature, a forest.”
“Don’t stare at a screen, confined by walls;
Locked inside, my inspiration falls.
Surely there’s a babbling brook
Or a valley’s overlook.
Give me something to work with,” muse calls.
“If you fail to respond, I’ll attack
As you’re sleeping in a room black.
Thoughts you will never recall
Cannot upon your page fall;
Without me you’re nothing but a hack!”
Written by
Davina Browne
Categories:
best friend, cute love, funny love, giggle,
Stand By Me
Stand by me in the fields of dreams,
Where the clouds part and the sunset light beams,
Hear the river as it streams,
Down to where it redeems
Stand by me where the flowers blooms,
Where the sun does not loom,
Out of sight is where the fairies zoom,
This is where the animals groom,
Stand by me under the willow tree,
Where we once fell and grazed our knees,
Here is where the grass made us sneeze
Where we lied and cuddled and squeezed
Written by
Tim Ryerson
Categories:
funny, girl,
You Can Call Me Sir But I Guess You'Re Gonna Have To Call Me -
I just KNEW I was a woman
a woman inside a man’s body
therefore I went under the knife
(My surgeon said it went well)
But when I looked in the mirror
I was appalled and yes, horrified
Even after applying makeup
and donning a push-up bra
I was just plain----Ug-LEEE
(We shan’t discuss chest-down)
Thus, I had a change of heart
I wanted to restore my manhood
and kindly asked my doctor
for a reverse operation...
Wanna know what she told me??
“GIRL, you ain’t got the BALLS”...
Written by
Jan Allison
Categories:
humorous, me, poetry,
Poetic Licence
I’ve renewed my poetic licence
Just hope it won’t ever expire
Poetry has become a bit of an addiction
My words can be fact or they could be fiction
But I plan to keep on writing quite a bit
Even if you think my poems are a heap of rubbish!*
* Can't think of a suitable rhyming word :-)
4th January 2016
Written by
Doris Culverhouse
Categories:
funny, life
Loose Me Asap
Gardening in a dress
Figured it would be nice and breezy
A red wasp had his way with my back side easy
One little wasp caused alot of mess
Ten stings/bites caused me alot of ouchy
Then itching beyond control of sensitivity
Written by
Sidney Hall Mad Poet
Categories:
funny, me, world, me, money,
She Means the World To Me
I gotta crooked legged woman
With legs that go where they choose
Her lips are shaped like a beer mug
And over flowin with booze
She means the world to me
And a freak that makes me money
Her face is like a chocolate chip cookie
Covered in spots dots and all of that
I don't need a road map to find my way around
Just look at her face and I know where I'm at
She means the world to me
And a freak that makes me money
She gotta hunch back
From her boobs that sag
They look like two egg yolks
On two kwik mart bags
But She means the world to me
And a freak that makes me money
**Singing the Blues**
Written by
Robert L. Hinshaw
Categories:
funny, passionmay, me,
Cheep Sweet Talk
"I've loved thee since I first saw thee as an adorable egg in thy nest!
Wouldst that thee would deign to marry me and put my pining heart at rest!
I hold thy delicate talon in my beak awaiting with bated breath,
For thine answer to my plea to be my beloved until parted by death!"
"All that I have to offer thee is a cozy nest in yon apple tree,
Safe from prowling cats and mean little kids to raise a family!
Please give me thy answer ere the sun sinks slowly in the west,
That I may begin to build thy dream home, thy cozy little nest!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Honorable Mention in Francine Roberts' "Enough" Contest - May 2011
Written by
Billy Thekidster
Categories:
funny, me, me,
I Feel Dirty
Why do I feel dirty all day and all night?
I bathe everyday. I do everything hygenically right
and yet 24/7 I feel like I'm all covered with grime constantly.
There's something definetly wrong with my mind psychologically.
It's probably best for all concerned to stay the hell away from me.
I know what you're thinking. This is all about guilt obviously,
but I can't for the life of me think of anything that should make me feel guilty.
Do you think this has anything to do with me slamin P D?...(aka also me).
lol..lol...ha-ha, hee-hee! < That's me, aka also P D
laughing Our/My brains out insanely.
lol...lol...ha-ha, hee-hee!