Funny Poems About Old or Old Funny Poems

Humorous and funny Old poems and/or funny poems about Old. Read, share, and enjoy these hilarious Old funny poems! Also, try our sister website's powerful search engine for poems or see our other Old Poems.

Poem Details | by Linda Alice Fowler |
Categories: age, beauty, funny, hair, old, silly, silver,

No Blue Hair

No blue hair or curls for me. I’ll grow old naturally. Hanging breasts and flattened bum, crooked teeth and graying gum. Sagging knees and chicken skin, sunny spots and double chin. Silver streaks through thinning hair, dimming eyesight no repair. Crinkly crow’s eyes and flat feet singing as the Maker I meet. I don’t care what you say, I can’t hear you anyway.

Poem Details | by Tom Cunningham |
Categories: humor,

The Wealthy Old Man From Kansas

'There was a wealthy old man from Kansas 
Wasn't concerned if he caught the virus 
He was wealthy you could tell
Owned ten rolls of cottonelle
Said If I die "least I've got a clean A. S. S. ".

Written 13th March 2020

Poem Details | by Lin Lane |
Categories: humor,

Bully, Blow Hard and Old Geezer

Bully, the bull dog thought he was tough
He barked until his owner had enough
Bully went to the pound
A disgruntled old hound
He had a name he's called "Scruff"

Blow Hard was a very ugly bullfrog
Sat in a pig sty on a rotten log
Boasted about his size
He was not very wise
Cuz the moron was eaten by a hog

There's an old geezer who has an ego
Told tales of his greatness for all to know
The haughty one cries
His tales were all lies
He's an old phony who has to eat crow

Bully, Blow Hard, and even that old Geezer dude
All three looked at life with eyes that were skewed
Moral of story...
There is no glory
In barking, boasting, or a haughty attitude

Poem Details | by Jannie Breedt |
Categories: best friend, funny, grandfather, old,

Old Man Time

Redeployed in an ugly skin
Pleated and spotted and grumpy within
What I call walking ,they call shuffling
I'm bending down to tie my shoe
While Im down here what else can I do?

When driving down my lip protrudes
Only for the dentist will I open mouth
Okay , Ill wave at you but I wont smile
The dog and the toilet are my only true friends
You get up to go and then you go again

Memories are yesterday
Forgetfulness is all over today
Ill tell you what it is
But forgot what I was going to say

Got to buy dogfood
Where are my glasses?
Who am I talking to?
They've all gone away

Poem Details | by Anais Vionet |
Categories: 11th grade, care, christmas, feelings, holiday, humor, teen,

Old Fashioned Christmas

It’ll be an old fashioned Christmas,
with Santa due down the chute.
I bet he Purells his reindeer, 
and Lysols his hazmat suit.

It’s an old fashioned Christmas.
We’ll all have on our masks,
and our muffled yuletide carols,
will be just like seasons past.

We’ll observe all the guidelines.
We’ll eat six feet apart.
We’ll have disinfectant under the mistletoe,
and keep safety in our hearts.

Sure, it’s an old fashioned Christmas.
One unique to the times.
The love this year might be careful,
but the feelings are genuine.

Poem Details | by Pat Adams |
Categories: humorous, nostalgia, word play,

The Good Old Days

One thing is for sure when tales are told 
The "good old days" are sure to unfold
Now understand
What made them grand
Was that we weren't good and we weren't old!

Poem Details | by Harry Horsman |
Categories: humor, political,

Old Tea Bag

Such pleasure it gives yet thrown away
believe me it will happen to us all one day,
the only way out sadly is not alive
the secret being when in; how to survive,
my place of abode the teapot nice and round
in it one needs to ready the journey bound,
to leave one’s comfort zone mashed and up the spout
there’s always a way when need’s be; to get out!

 © Harry J Horsman 2014

Poem Details | by Jan Allison |
Categories: humorous,

Old Bill - Bawdy Limerick

A sex mad codger named Bill Swallowed a Viagra pill His todger did rise - You should see the size It sure gave his wife a thrill 17th Feb 2015

Poem Details | by Jan Allison |
Categories: humorous,

Its Just a Load of Old Balls

Jen loves to go to bingo Knows all the caller’s ‘lingo’ Her numbers come out She gives a loud shout Lose - she howls like a dingo 25th February 2015

Poem Details | by Shelly Berkeley |
Categories: angst, animals, funny, pets, old, old,

Barky Von Schnauzer

At the risk of being called “rabble-rouser,”
I think poor old Barky Von Schnauzer,
should practice his aim,
his master to maim,
in the back end of his very best trousers!

My hero I would call dear old Barky,
if he could just muster the stealth of a sharky,
and covertly steer,
right straight for the rear,
of that great big old bag of malarkey!

I think I should send Barky a big four leaf clover,
so his bad luck would finally be over,
he could retire his fame,
move away, change his name,
to Bowser maybe Lassie or Rover!

Obviously I have been driven completely insane by that stupid t.v. commercial!
Happy St. Paddy's Day!

Poem Details | by William Robinson |
Categories: animals, funny, people, pets,

Old Melon

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

Poem Details | by Andrea Dietrich |
Categories: humorous,

Mary Ann's Age-Old Excuse

Mary Ann had a boyfriend that she 
gave affection and great loyalty.
Since the age of sixteen
no one else had she seen
but she wanted more at thirty-three!

Her boyfriend, of course, had it made
since regularly, he would get laid.
So excuses he gave
when Mary Ann would rave
about marriage. . . and  unwed they stayed.

Getting pregnant was her coup d'etat 
when she said, “You will soon be a pa!”
She said, “Furthermore, Bruce,
I don’t need an excuse.
In my mind we’re a pair - common-law!”

For Black Eyed Susan's Excuses Poetry Contest

Poem Details | by Cindi Rockwell |
Categories: age, funny, old, silly,

How Time Stole My Body

I am old. Old I am.
And frankly I don't give a damn.
I take bright pills for all my ills
And little rugrats call me gram.

Teeth are gone. Gone are they.
Can't chew my food the normal way.
I glue some in to fill my grin
I'm lucky if they stay all day!

I am vexed! Vexed am I!
And now I'm going to tell you why
I fall asleep in time to leap
And to the porcelain pony fly!

I am slow. Slow I am.
In stores I cause a traffic jam.
Joints go crack, can't bend my back
I failed my walker drive exam!

But say the word. The word just say.
And you and I can spend the day!
Let's eat prunes and sing some tunes
Then cuddle with my friend, Ben Gay!

Poem Details | by Charlie Smith |
Categories: age, humorous,

Old Age

Imagination never diminishes with age;

     on the contrary,
     the loss of memory only enhances 

     the thoughts of what usta be...

Poem Details | by Rudolph Rinaldi |
Categories: fun, funny, life, old, truth,

I Have Holes In My Soles

my shirts and shoes
are wearing out -
and they tell me 
I am too

I patch and glue 
to make them whole -
but fail 
to make them new

I have holes in my soles
and frayed treads on my edges -
but manage 
for the most part to get through

until one day 
they say
it will all fall apart
hopefully all at once
I pray

Poem Details | by Jan Allison |
Categories: confusion, humorous, poets,

Inside My Head I'M Young - For 'Old' Poets Only Contest

My muse is in a whirl For she just doesn’t have a clue Am I eligible to enter this contest … I really don’t know what to do! My age is of no concern to anyone but me I may be twenty-one or I may be eighty three Our friend retired at 35, I don’t class that as old Fortunately for him his investments all struck gold I’ve been posting on soup for well over a year Therefore I can’t enter a ‘new’ poets contest Does this make me an old poet? Can I enter this ‘Old Poets’ contest - that is my dilemma! Contest:- Inside my head For ‘Old’ Poets only Sponsor:- John Lawless 09~11~15

Poem Details | by Stephen Curtis |
Categories: humor,

The Old Lady In the Shoe

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She was sad and poor and feeling quite blue
So many children, the count was twenty and two

The cupboards were empty, they were really poor
Something needed to be done, the old lady swore
A sign ‘room for rent’ she put on the door

Three little pigs came, the room to rent
One look you could see, murder her intent
Now the freezer is full, no money she spent

The story she spread, the wolf was to blame
Now the poor old wolf has unwanted fame
All due to the old lady, what a terrible shame

Poem Details | by Jack Ellison |
Categories: funny, old, old,

Ice Cream For Seniors

Got an ice cream cone in one hand While typing with the other Why does ice cream make us seniors Keep on begging for another! Isn't ice cream only for kiddies? Wow! That's surely not the case Seen old folks down a chocolate sundae Beg for more with a messy face! Maybe it makes us feel younger Or it's simply just a treat As we lick away like a spaniel A sensation that can't be beat! Not shy about our craving We'd fight for another scoop There's other ways to try it Imagine ice cream in vegetable soup? So stay away from old folks When they're lining up for some They'll push and shove and step on you For a scoop of butterscotch rum! © Jack Ellison 2012

Poem Details | by Dale Gregory Cozart |
Categories: humor, poetry,

Crusty Old Hag

There once was a crusty old hag whose poetry made people gag. She once wrote a sonnet, the folks threw up on it and tossed it away in a bag. She went to a psychic who said, while turning up cards black and red, “I can see why they gripe, just stop writing this tripe. Have you thought of knitting instead?”

Poem Details | by Pat Adams |
Categories: age, america, humor, husband, old,

Police Report

She told the police, Please help me
My husband is missing you see
First he was there, then he was gone
And I don't know where he could be

The police seemed concerned and said,
Describe this man that's not around
If we don't have a description
We fear he may never be found

He has a patch over one eye
The one that he lost in the war
He  wears a small hat on his head
That doesn't have hair anymore

He lost a finger sawing wood
And a toe when mowing the lawn
I guess he was mostly missing
before he was even gone!

Poem Details | by Randy Johnson |
Categories: angst, funny, on work and working, me, me,

A 94 Year Old Woman Kicked My ###

(This is a fictional poem)

A 94 year old woman kicked my ###.
She beat the crap out of me and left me bleeding on the grass.
Every time I got up, she knocked me down again.
She beat me really hard and I sure as hell didn't win.
The fight started when she asked me to put out my cigar.
I told her that I'd shove it up her vagina and I guess I went too far.
When she got through beating me, I had lost most of my teeth.
Now people laugh at me and all I feel is grief.

Poem Details | by Tom Cunningham |
Categories: humor,

Old Jock

Jock always wore a sporran and kilted
Wore a clan tartan hat that looked quilted
But couldn't cope with the stares 
And so now trousers he wears
Cos everything below has now wilted... 

Word got round the town now everyone knows 
Why Jock has taken to wearing strange clothes 
He used to flash all his bits 
Have the young lassies in fits 
But now too embarrassed when the wind blows...

(a sporran is a small leather pouch worn with a kilt that serves as a wallet as kilts don't have pockets) 

Written 26 September 2020.

Poem Details | by Charlie Smith |
Categories: humor,

Old Frog

There was an old bull frog from Cork Whose friends might've thought him a dork But when flies would swarm in And they all took a swim Old frog used his tongue like a fork. For Limerick Contest 04/11/2018 3rd. Place

Poem Details | by Richard Lamoureux |
Categories: character, dance, giggle, old,

Wrinkles and Twinkles

Old guys
don’t look cool in jeans
with frayed fabric
and faded seams

So I’ve developed
my own unique style
with colourful clothing 
accessorized with a smile

For this old guy
a stylish cap is my choice 
I have a twinkle in my eye
and a kind gentle voice

It’s true I don’t wear
a younger man’s clothes 
It would make me look silly 
and I’m not one to pose

So no fashion from Paris
Italy or France
But if you play me some music
I’ll ask you to dance

So even though Old Guys
don’t look cool in jeans
We’re cool in our own way
still living our dreams

Wrinkles and twinkles
A smile and a wink 
Colourful clothes with a cap
happy to join you for a drink.

Poem Details | by William Robinson |
Categories: funny, life, time,

How Old?

Time--it moves like a scalded cat, 
And I--I creep like a snail.
Like a long tailed cat in a lawn mower's path,
I am nearing the end of my tale.

Now, it's said that you're only as old as you feel,
And aging, they say, doesn't hurt,
But, try to believe you're as young as you feel,
When you feel like you're older than dirt.