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Best Funny Poems

These are some of the best funny poems written by international poets on PoetrySoup.com.


Poem Details | by Poet Destroyer A |
Categories: adventure, animal, beautiful, blessing, celebrity, funny, life,

The Squirrel

~My Nutty Squirrel Poem~

Up in a tree, on a branch
Now you see me, now you don't!

Sneaky and fast, I'm adorable
Now, why would you hunt or shot me for fun?
Do you like, how fast I run?
I'm not just another chipmunk 
Stuffing my face with nuts,
I'm classy and beautiful, 
The  best  part  of   nature.....

Red pointed ears, I hear you drawing near.
Chuckle, chuckle, caffeine free
I saw you looking at my fine coat.
Fluffy and curious, touch me and I'm Calling PETA!
See YA---  Life Is Beautiful!!!
I'm stuffing these nuts back into my mouth 
and Jumping onto another tree :) The End
........
Love The Squirrel from another World.  
Love LINDA


Poem Details | by Mike Gentile |
Categories: food, fun, humor, words,

If You Weren't Such a Nut Meg

She had so many chances
     Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
     Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
     Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
     Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
     I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
     As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
     Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
     Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
     Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
     If you weren’t such a nut Meg


Poem Details | by SKAT A |
Categories: abuse, funny, husband, me,

BLACK and BLUE

BLACK and BLUE

Today I wonder, 
Wonder why?
You hit me in the eye, 
you made me cry.

My eyes are brown,
Now they're black and blue.
Is that what I get for loving you?

My lips are pink, now they're bloody red.
Is that what I get!!!
Do you wish I were dead?

My teeth are white, 
I just lost three, 
Is that what I get over a little fight? 
 
I see a smile underneath,
I see you leaving with the police.
I finally got rid of you.
I can't believe I waited, 
UNTIL I WAS BLACK AND BLUE.
        
 SK

NOTE: True story, I finally did the right thing and called the cops

Poem Details | by Daniel Turner |
Categories: funny love,

If I Were The One For Nicola

If only I could make my way to Paris
To search the boulevards and rainy rues
I'd look to find my lonely heart an heiress
An Irish lass vacationing her muse

We'd find a quiet cafe' on the Seine
Where we could sit and share a laugh or two
By candlelight we'd toast with French champagne
Pretend that we were on our honeymoon

But how could I convince her I'm the one
To make all of her fantasies come true
She knows there's more to life than having fun
In Paris hearts get easily confused

I'd get down on one knee under the stars
Give her the paper ring off my cigar



   an original poem by Daniel Turner
      



Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: humorous, , cute,

AND THEN I KISSED HIM - COLLABORATION WITH TIM SMITH

Hot date
Can’t wait

We're at
My flat

Cute eyes
Nice thighs

Admit
She’s fit

So sweet
Must eat

We dine
Sublime

First Kiss
Sheer bliss

Soft peck
On neck

Tongue's twirl
Toes curl

First base
Hearts race

Undressed
Bare breast

Blimey
She’s ‘HE’

No joy
Ladyboy

Fussy
Pussy

Night ends
As friends

Written by Jan Allison & Tim Smith
28th August 2014

Poem Details | by Daniel Turner |
Categories: funny, love, sad,

How Long

I've never kissed a pig with my eyes closed
Nor have I ever held a hand of time
However, there was once when I proposed
But that was back when I was in my prime

I still recall how much she loved to dance
She'd laugh at me and make my face turn red
She taught me all the secrets of romance
That love was what one did, not what one said

I search the shadows for her purple hue
I take her mem'ry everywhere I go
Its smile has it's own special shade of blue
Its  taste so sweet no one could ever know

They tell me only time mends broken hearts
I wonder just how long before it starts.



   by Daniel Turner

Poem Details | by Poet Destroyer A |
Categories: adventure, anti bullying, boat, humor, slavery, violence, voyage,

Pirate Bay

```Pirate Bay the Haiku``` 

pirates fierce and mean 
drowning fish, sea to sea 
parrots on their butt 


```Polly Wants A Cracker``` 

bloodthirst & brutal 
Quartermaster Gone Wild 
dirty wings on deck 


```Sea World Adventure``` 
ship crew goes on strike 
sailing the Caribbean 
wooden leg splashing 


~*~

Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: art, humorous,

VINCENT VAN GOGH

Vincent van Gogh** Sliced his left ear off Only one painting did Van Gogh sell - maybe he didn’t hear the doorbell! The only painting Van Gogh sold during his lifetime was Red Vineyard at Arles **Based on the European pronunciation of the name which is Van Goff! 05~30~15 Entered into Premiere contest #11 sponsored by Skat A

Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: beach, humorous,

BEACH FOOTLES COLLABORATION

Hot sun What fun Soft sand How grand Blue sea For me High tide Surf side Beach babe In shade Undress Top less No finds Tan lines Swim suit… pursuit He sports Tight shorts Romance? No chance Jan Allison Casarah Nance 1st December 2014

Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: farm, humorous, sexy,

MARY IN THE DAIRY

A curvaceous lady named Mary Just loved having sex in the dairy When smothered with whipped cream Her beau would lick her clean… His Calorie intake was scary!!! 14th June 2016

Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: humorous, lust, natural disasters,

OOPS - IT'S A BIT OF A **** UP

Ted enjoys a quick roll in the hay... He’s sleeping with his buxom P A She confirmed she’s with child Ted baulked, then got quite riled I wonder what his wife’s got to say! 5/26/18

Poem Details | by Tom Cunningham |
Categories: funny, humor,

Chainsaw Blues - bawdy limerick LOL

There was a lumberjack from Borehamwood 
A chainsaw mishap took off his manhood
His Love life now a mess 
And it caused him great stress
So he made himself one out of some wood .  
                         ~
He went to bed one night full of desire
Sue his wife put on her sexy attire 
Things got steamy and hot 
He gave it all he got  
But with passion and friction it caught fire . 




Written 5th March 2019.

For make me actually LOL 2 poetry contest 

Sponsored by Nina Parmenter.

Poem Details | by Daniel Turner |
Categories: age, humor, life,

Musings - Sucker Punched

I can't recall exactly when
Life swung and hit me on my chin
I"m ashamed to say, it knocked me cold
When I came to, I woke up old

While I was out, I had a dream
Of juggling on a balance beam
While jumping hoops, upon one leg
And one wrong move, cost one nest egg

Was it yesterday or the day before
I had it all but wanted more
When days were long and fears were short
Carouse by day, at night cavort

Yesterday, less was more
It must have been the day before
I wish I'd seen life's sucker punch
'cause now my memory's out to lunch


          by Daniel Turner

Poem Details | by Joyce Johnson |
Categories: humor, love,

Knowin how to keep em

Oh don't think that I ain't seein'
As you roll those purty eyes,'
And my man stands there a gawkin'
Like he'd won some sort of prize.

My ma taught me how to keep em
And to cut you down to size.
For there ain't no man worth havin'
Can resist my apple pies.

Poem Details | by Caren Krutsinger |
Categories: fun, humorous, word play,

To Be Thrown Overboard Soon

Two scruffy pirates picked me up.
Intending to toss me overboard.
I weighed too much; they were struggling.
True.
They needed to lighten their load.
But I was not going easy.
I purposefully got heavier.
"She is flotsom," the tall fat one said.
"Jetsam," the dumb ugly one argued.
"Let's get a dictionary," I said. "Let's do this right."
This gave me a few more days,
as there were no books on this ship.


Poem Details | by Tom Cunningham |
Categories: how i feel, humor,

THE RULES FOR 8X8

Compose eight lines consult your muse
Subject matter is what you choose
Just eight syllables on each line
Follow these rules and you'll be fine
Pretty pictures you do not need 
Your words only so please take heed
Only plain text no fancy fonts
And that you'll find is what she want's.




Written on 10th November 2018

Poem Details | by Paul Callus |
Categories: death, funny,

Sidney Snoozer


Here lies Sidney Snoozer, a lover of sleep, 

His last nap eternal – relaxed, six foot deep. 




For Epitaph Contest 2
Hosted by Jesse Rowe

© 15th April 2019

Poem Details | by arthur vaso |
Categories: appreciation, beauty, humorous, ireland, universe,

Plato and Socrates

Dramatic prose for the pompous asses
I throw my Platos at you
If you come any closer
I will Socrates you right in the nose
Demands, demands!!!! The clowns now have demands?
I say, rise up oh poets of the infinite dot universe
Proclaim the revolution a new
Justify our fight with words wrapped in doo doo
When I see a condescending donkey trip on his verbatim
I laughs cause I know he will fall into Satan's den
I am at eleven, usually a sober man
I carry my saber high and shout "Ekphrasis I don’t give a bloody damn"
Infinite ............................ Universe

Poem Details | by Eric Nolan |
Categories: funny, happiness, life, satire, upliftingme, me,

My butt crack

My butt crack 
Is quite a split 
It supports the rest of me 
when I sit 
you thought I was gonna say something else didn't you ?

My butt crack 
Is a marvel to behold 
It was cute when I was young 
but now offensive since I'm old 

My butt crack 
Is pretty darn straight 
can you imagine if it was crooked 
pretty weird sight I would rate 

My butt crack 
Is funny to me 
when I bend over in my jeans 
It peeks out 
for you to see 

My butt crack 
wanted me to write this today 
for no other reason 
then just to say......................

I gotta split 


LOL 

Eric (and sometimes not)

Poem Details | by RUDOLPH RINALDI |
Categories: age, funny, nature, society, technology, youth,

Fall

Fall and
red yellowing 
leaves in the trees

an old man sitting 
on a bench
watches them 
fall
and thinks of his youth

a youth 
sitting on a bench
looking into his iPhone
simulates the falling 
red yellowing leaves
and googles 
the future 
of trees

Poem Details | by Judith Angell Meyer |
Categories: funny, imagination, song-

His funeral

That he planned his funeral is factual
And being a prankster quite actual
He prerecorded his voice
So when we kneeled on the joist
He said, "Hi there! Don't I look natural."

Poem Details | by Tim Ryerson |
Categories: funny, science,

Big Bang

Your theory makes quite the impression
But I have this nagging obsession
A huge mass of matter
Explodes in a scatter
This is a layman's 'dumb' question

From whence came this gigantic ball?
Just how did the whole thing befall?
What was there before that?
And before even that?
And so on and so forth, et.al

Blank space, only vacuum you say?
Endless void? Flat nothing? Okay
Is nothing just nothing,
Or ain't nothing something
And what made the nothing I pray?

Poem Details | by RALPH TAYLOR |
Categories: funny

GIMME A BRAKE

A UFO went to land in Dakota
But the brakes didn't work one iota.
        It didn't take long
        to decide what was wrong
seems the space ship was made by Toyota!

Poem Details | by Merv Webster |
Categories: funny, me, , memorial,

BERT'S WILL

"A cappuccino would be nice 
And thank you Anne dear friend. 
Since Bert has died I've felt quite lost, 
But time has helped things mend." 
 
"I guess what hurt the most dear Anne 
Was finding in Bert's will; 
To me he never left a thing; 
A truly bitter pill." 
 
"He never left you anything! 
I thought Bert more sincere, 
But is that diamond ring not new 
You're wearing sister dear?" 
 
"Well let me put it this way Anne. 
Bert's will did leave a bit; 
Five grand for a memorial stone 
And this dear Anne ... is it." 



Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: humorous,

HE'S SMOKIN'

Sir Henry was playing his flute He also was smoking cheroot But when his attire Was soon caught on fire I’m guessing he’s not so astute! 04~18~15 Contest: Famous Einstein Quotes – John Freeman Albert Einstein Quote ‘The only source of knowledge is experience’ ~awarded 1st place~