These are funny poems written by international poets. Funny poems are added daily and hundreds of new funny poems are added weekly for your reading pleasure.
6th grade, 7th grade, chocolate, easter, family, funny, humor,
Take my chocolate rabbit?!!, you little twits,
don't think I'll swipe some of yours?!!, expect it!
you siblings think you're stealth, well, big damn deal,
hands off my Hersheys, you schlemiels!
your Reese's Easter eggs are mine, so throw a fit!
Finn boasted he was 100% Irish
So a DNA test he would relish
But many Danes showed up
He got lost in his cup
And said DNA tests were all rubbish
Finn's kids never did care
That they had bright blond hair
But still he was wrought
At the very thought
That Danes were everywhere
checked on www.howmanysyllables.com
8th grade, 9th grade, business, funny, jobs, work,
Bakers, wear hair nets please, no double dips spoons,
wash your hands, be clean, not sloppy buffoons,
cover each and every sneeze,
give bratty kids a cookie, whether or not they
don't dump gobs of frosting on a spoiled bridezilla's head,
or the wrath of the bridezilla's battle-axe mother, we will
surely dread !
The wife wandered out in the nude
Our neighbour thought he would intrude
They lay down to dine
à la 69
You'd think neither one had tried food!
Well…this old feller didn’t behave in the rightest way to live,
But he never done one single thing the good Lord won’t forgive,
An’ I actually kinda envy him…accept fer his bein’ dead…
‘Cause --- ponderin’ all the years of “easier days” that lie ahead ---
With no more paintin’ the house or shovelin’ snow or mowin’ the yard…
I’m bettin’ the boss up yonder won’t be a-workin’ ‘im near as hard.
PS: I've got 4 new CDs - @ 4 1/2 hours each = (62 diversely varied poems), listed on EBAY - under - “Mark Stellinga Poetry” - should those of you who travel care to be so entertained. (We use PayPal)
I once took in a cat
whose fur was white as snow;
wherever the feline sat
there he left a halo.
And then one night
I woke up with an awful fright:
that sound, that gush!
I leaped and made a rush –
damn! not fast enough.
There, on my Queen Ann’s chair
a halo of white hair
encircling foul-smelling stuff!
In seconds he went cruisin’,
blindly through the night air,
and right behind him, a ruin,
my Queen Ann’s chair.
The spare bedroom is full of
The duck hunter, the pudel
A bouquet of sullage
He evacuated his bowels
Outside the bookies
His body aligned along
The north-south axis
He looked up at me
We were both on edge
I didn't know the procedure
Standing there like a yo-yo
The warbrode smells of wazz
Or was it wizz?
The vet didn't know what he was
But declared he wasn't a kangaroo
(A standard male dog is commonly
Known as a dog)
This is man's best friend
An Irishman from out in Dubuque
Drank green beer till he started to puke.
He came home all plastered,
His wife said you bastard,
Sobriety for you is a fluke.
L. Milton Hankins Limerick contest
humor, humorous, language, military, word play,
Colonel…Is that a word?
English can play tricks, bend rules.
But hey, WTF?
Bellevue , Belle
There’s a man who's known as Desperate Dan
Who's travelled the world in his camper van
He'd love gals and leave ’em
Without giving reason
Then would drive off with just a "thank you mam."
Unaware, Dan had sired ten strapping sons
Waiting to have their revenge for all wrongs
When he was spied in town
They let all his tyres down
And hung him from a tree by his ding dongs.
2nd March 2021
Two Limericks - Let’s have some Fun! Poetry Contest
Sponsored by: Tania Kitchin
Syllables - Checked on ‘How Many Syllables’
Never test the water with BOTH feet
To feel the temperature or if it's too deep
One foot at a time
For testing the brine
If it's over your head, bad words you'll bleep
animal, cat, humorous,
There lived once in the old house a fat cat
From half a mile she could smell a brat rat
She was too lazy to run
Spent her time under the sun
Lying on worn out black and white old mat.
One day when she did not find her food bowl
She was sure it was the sly rat that stole
Her stomach started to burn
She saw the rat on the run
Chased it blind, her head got stuck in the hole.
March 2, 2021
Contest : Two Limericks-Let's Have Some Fun
Sponsor : Tania Kitchin
how i feel, humorous,
LADIES, I'm IN A QUANDARY
Ladies, my Hubby once a year,
joins his cronies on the quay.
Down on the river watching
the … “unloading” at dawn.
Ladies, he gave me a quaint perfume,
expects to smell its scent on me,
and my platinum colored hair,
I hate scent … but it really turns him on.
Ladies, I’m in a real QUANDARY,
Biblically speaking, his Quiver is full,
lots of ammo doesn’t shoot blanks,
pray not … inseminates me.
Ladies this is what I may have to do,
I may poise myself to do penance.
Because I’ll fake a headache when he returns,
Ladies gotta prevent … unwanted pregnancy.
March I. 2021 copyright
Contest: P’s and Q’s
Sponsor: Michelle. Faulkner
games, giggle, satire,
Welcome to 'Just Say No'
As you all know
The object of the game
Is to avoid everlasting shame
No juicy secrets may be revealed
That's the easy part of the deal
No matter what transpires
You must not light the audience's fire
With salacious tidbits or lascivious lies
That's the only way you win first prize
A weekend without smartphone, social media or TV
Indulge yourself ~ in a Shakespearean reading spree
celebration, fun, funny, giggle, humor, humorous,
Saint Patrick slept in stupor self-imposed
in the back of the pub with the door closed
they sang out for him
to silence the din
but he snuggly snored on indisposed
LIMERICKS in honor of St. Patrick's Day Poetry Contest
Sponsored by: L MILTON HANKINS
if you need an ark to save two of each animal i Noah guy
creating Eve was the first known example of splitting the Adam
fastest sinner in the Bible? Moses broke 10 commandments at once
first tennis player in the Bible? Joseph - he served in Pharaoh's court
loudest motorcycle? Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land
they say that before Boaz got married the guy was Ruthless
[humor attribution - all humor was found online, sources unknown]
HANKINS, L MILTON
Once there was a young lad from Aberdeen
Whose knees were the knobbiest ever seen.
He bought himself a kilt,
Wore the kilt without guilt
He kept his bony knees kilt-worthy clean.
It is strange the Church did not care
The statue of David is bare
For women to see
A Saint he could be
With so little that he could share!
My uncle and aunt both go swinging
To naked bodies they’re soon clinging
Sometimes they swap keys
With Fred and Louise
Lou’s pretty but Freddie is minging
But Freddie has got a big willy
And auntie says it would be silly
Not to sleep with him
When she has a whim
By jingo she is a game filly!
FICTION POEM FOR CONTEST
Both poems 9,9,5,5,9 checked with HMS
Two Limericks - Let's have some Fun! Poetry Contest
Sponsored by Tania Kitchin
He’d a fetish feline without doubt
so did Tom, his sick mania flout
a new categorical
and then Andrew did let the cat out.
Twas a bargain at just half the price
Nunn and Weber made Memory nice
from works of a poet
and wouldn’t you know it
sometimes lightning indeed can strike twice.
How Many Syllables
Shameless Suzy was swinging so high
she went almost straight up to the sky.
Right nearby her there stood
a new guy from the hood.
Up her skirt he was trying to spy.
Shameless Suzy surely was daring,
for she laughed and swang on not caring
when the guy called, "Hee hee,
for your undies I see."
No knickers was she even wearing!
March 1, 2021
for Tania Kitchin's Two Limericks - Let's Have Some Fun! Poetry Contest
When King Lion met Jack Kangaroo,
quite a struggle ensued at the zoo.
Leo tried to attack,
but Jack fired then right back:
"Are you crazy, Cat? I know Kung Fu!"
Submitted March 1, 2021
for L Milton Hankins' Limericks In Honor Of St. Patrick's Day Poetry Contest
The brewery's apple provider
Saved Stella Strongbow from a spider
While having a snog
He fell in the grog
And spent the whole evening in cider
Love blossomed ’cause she was a cutie
And, it must be said, quite a beauty
A little bit smart
A little bit tart
And more than a little bit fruity
Contest: Two Limericks
Sponsor: Tania Kitchin
Verse one: Edited for syllable count 28 February 2021
Verse two: 28 February 2021
Checked using Syllable Counter: 9,9,5,5,9 & 9,9,5,5,9
Around the town he was known as the Bogie Man
Not an evil spirit my friend but a Bogart fan
Always wore a trench coat like his hero wore
On his head a fedora was also worn for sure
The falcon he owns I'm afraid isn't Maltese
Though he's a real tough guy everyone agrees
This Bogie Man has never visited Casablanca
Something he yearns and almost certainly hanker
I saw the Bogie Man in town just the other day
"Here's looking at you kid" is what he did say
Bogie Man around town is so easy to spot
I wonder though is better to have and have not
Grenness , Julie
appreciation, discrimination, fun, giggle, girl,
Cows of the Month, we're here!
This is a badge of honor, my dears,
Trophy of the year, hear, hear,
Once we were 'good little girls',
Now Cows of the Month do twirl,
Excuse me, what did you call me?
The basics, good manners for tea!
Cows of the Month, hear, hear,
It's trophy of the year, my dears!
All Funny Poems