These are funny poems written by international poets. Funny poems are added daily and hundreds of new funny poems are added weekly for your reading pleasure.
A lady who underwent
two large breast implants
complained she wasn’t satisfied.
"Not only do I walk on a slant,"
she protested with discontent,
"but I feel italicized."
my lips touch you, parting eagerly
to caress you, savour your taste
my mouth responds to your
your ability to
I love you
Have you ever been told you’re ugly not welcome
You smile with a mouth you shouldn’t open
Have you ever been told your bum looks like a birch tree
you’re an abundantly dirty sight it hurts to see
Have you ever been told you have a personality like a damp cloth
you carry a smell and that’s why we cough
has anyone ever said you’re a miserable moo
moaning morning and afternoon
Don’t be so quick to think no one has now
I wrote this especially for you you cow
and all of the office chipped in for the pen and paper
You’re ugly you stink and we all hate ya
city, food, humorous, universe,
He was a bit overawed
his topic, too broad
A speech on 'The Universe'
ought not be too terse
So he narrowed it down
to his beloved hometown
He focused on New York --
Jews and Muslims who eat pork
He cited some verses
from the Bible and Koran
Then he threw up his hands
Said, "I've done the best I can."
The judges cried, "Bravo!"
You're a brilliant young man
We award you first prize:
An autographed copy of
~ 'Green Eggs and Ham'
beauty, humorous, magic, success, woman,
In confidence, at three-card Monte when I'd choose,
A complete mark, I found myself destined to lose.
Pulling rabbits out of hats I was just a twit;
As a rank amateur whose hand always got bit.
Many times, I stacked poker decks to force an Ace
But wound up, predictably, with red on my face.
Underneath shiny tin cups, I shuffled dry peas
But bumbled badly with high regularity.
"Predictable" my friends told me since I was ten
Because I lost so oft, even I said “Amen.”
Asked one time to saw a woman in half and then
To quickly put back her beauteous halves again.
Instead, I swept her up my arms, asking to wed;
Unpredictably, to me it was “yes,” she said.
Lee Sr., James Edward
analogy, conflict, confusion, food, funny,
a young boy asked me once
if ketchup could run
would it eat mustard
and if mustard could turn
would it burn
if left in the oven
and if ketchup wasn't read
would it be a book
and can you put mustard on honey toast
now I'm so sad
that ketchup ran
now I don't have nothiN
ta put on my bread
Written words by James Edward Lee Sr. 2019©
allusion, aubade, creation, humorous,
Caper with asparagus porridge,
accompanies fake ravioli
with supreme sweet eggplant ...
All sipped with a porto wine
of passion fruit ....
crowded larva sections
inside peanut crumbs
portuguese cognac within
and pineapple with avocado
( Not Thinking )
There once was a guy from Toledo
That like to get rides on torpedo`s
His butt was quite bruised
His taylor not amused
When he had a huge hole in his tuxedo
© Gregory Paul 11/30/2019
humor, word play,
is more a condition
of a state of behind
than a state of mind –
and a definition
few will have the courage
to use a designation
as hard and vulgar as “blockage.”
Winter storm warning
expressed over desert pic —
The Christmas ball saw them all in the raw
Snow folk danced naked that everyone saw
Snowballs and snowboobies
And the snowmens moobies
But it ended when they started to thaw.
Written 3 December 2019.
For Holiday Themed Limerick Contest
Syllables Checked At How Many Syllables.
Sponsored By Tania Kitchin.
funny, sea, sun,
The Sun was far, hot and big
Before I trapped him in my camera;
Like the mighty sea lost its might
When carried away in a bucket.
Submitted on December 03, 2019, for Hit Me With An Epi-Pen Poetry Contest sponsored by Maureen McGreavy
O' LORD I SO NEED CHEERING UP
O' Lord I so really do need cheering up
The vicar is running around in the buff
Had it been anyone else, I'd be aghast
But as its the him I can but only laugh
To say God works in mysterious ways
I can see myself giggling here for days
"No; it is not a true story, but hey, who cares" . . . ; )
Indiana Shaw . . .
Poteet, Reason A.
11th grade, humor,
Have you heard of the fearless Farmer Cork
who commandeered a freight train in New York?
Hoboes from near and from far
tried to hide in the hay car,
upon which they discovered Cork's pitchfork.
December 1, 2019
contest: Five Word Challenge
hostess: Beth Evans
games, humor, truth,
Certain people hate the Wii U, they call it a piece of crap.
But I like the game console and I think it got a bum rap.
It's no XBOX One or PS4 but it's not an abomination.
I believe it was good and that's not an exaggeration.
Yes, a few of its games do stink, especially Paper Mario: Color Splash.
When I played that game, I'd get so mad that I wanted to throw it in the trash.
Nintendo released the Switch when they axed the Wii U.
People hated the console and so it was discontinued.
I hated to see the Wii U fail, it has become another Dreamcast.
Certain people hated the Wii U and now it's a thing of the past.
Hinshaw, Robert L.
On Alexa for facts I do rely
But seldom do I get a straight reply
When requests to her I call
She pays little heed at all
Her curt response is: "Git lost! Now goodbye!"
cousin, food, humorous,
I might take some of that great beef stew
Let her dip her own, not having a clue.
She’d take all the beef, leaving veggie goo.
I asked my husband – you watched her do?
She was our guest, invited by you,
He said in defense, without a clue.
He should have dipped it up for Cousin Sue.
Next year’s feast will only be me and you.
I knew she was selfish, that is true.
But to take all the beef, that is new!
Go get some more beef to feed us two,
I told him angrily, pouting for stew.
A woman to her husband:
“Dear, I’m having another face lift.”
“What?” he said; not again!”
“You want me looking young, don’t you?”
“Well, yes, of course. But, tell me,
where is all that new skin coming from?”
“My surgeon says my buttocks
have more than enough.”
“Alright, then”, he said, throwing
his hands in the air.
But then paused with a look of disbelief:
“You realize what you’re forcing
me to do, don’t you?”
“Oh yes, quite,” she said with a smile.
“And why not, I’ve kissed yours for years.”
A recipe for a classic cheese tart
included a pound of cheddar for a start
followed with 8 ounces of an extra
cream cheese for good measure.
The bad news? Excessive cheese has risks –
a post-digestive blockage hard to fix –
and better known as constipation,
often fraught with nasty complication.
The good news. As a natural expedient
for relieving this stubborn impediment
the recipe recommends the best evacuant –
prunes, as many as are convenient.
christmas, horror, humor,
HO HO HO - Santa is on his way
OH OH OH - There goes my pay
Indiana Shaw . . . : (
I little knew the gravity of my infraction
Till I perceived the weight of your reaction
She never stopped talking, but now silence is golden
She ran off with the lodger, to him I'm beholden.
Hit me with an Epi-Pen Poetry Contest
Sponsored by Maureen McGreavy.
Robinson Jr., Freddie
fun, humorous, money, parody,
Coupon please budget-y listen
and bankruptcy understand
That ATM Terminator is out there —
It can’t be mall bargained with,
nor consumer reasoned with
An Automated Teller Machine
doesn’t feel purse pity,
or cancelled check remorse
Or insolvency fear
And it absolutely
will not cash register stop,
Until you are empty pocket dead
confusion, funny, word play,
When she found out she would be working late
She asked if he could pick her up at eight
Drew looks askance
When he said, "It'll be hard to bear the wait!"
Rock Hardonn had a magic wand
Of which his sister was not fond
She would beg and plead
But Rock had a need
For Barbie Q to meet James Bond
All Funny Poems