Humorous and funny Cousin poems and/or funny poems about Cousin. Read, share, and enjoy these hilarious Cousin funny poems!
Written by
Carolyn Devonshire
Categories:
funny, cousin,
Comb Over
Z Z Top and Cousin It took the right approach
Dark sun glasses and beards detract from scraggly hair
Next time my motley hairdo meets with reproach
Combing forward I’ll consider, sparing the Nair
*For Rick's "Bad Hair Day" contest
Written by
Thvia Shetley
Categories:
food, funny, history, cousin,
Merry Queen of Squash
Pumpkin, merry queen of squash,
regnant on accord.
With a smooth and ribb-ed rind
clad in pepo-orange,
two strikes to sever
from the vine.
Gourd!
*Mary, Queen of Scots was beheaded by order of her cousin Queen Elizabeth of England in
1587. Detailed accounts record it took two strikes of the axe to sever her head completely.
**A pumpkin is truly the sovereign of gourd squashes. . Ironically, the word 'gourd' is also a slang
term for 'head' giving this poem a most appropriate ending whichever way you look at it!.
***The word ribb-ed in the third line is read as two syllables.
Written by
Frances King
Categories:
animals, children, funny, cousin,
Porpoise
This little tubby cousin
Of the dolphins has no beak.
He’s very shy and talks,
Not with a click, but with a sneezy squeak!
Written by
Mike Martin
Categories:
hilarious, humor, memory,
Cousin Flo
Windy and her cousin Flo
Went down to the rodeo
The cows were walking on the moon
They hadn't seen the crack of noon
Floyd got his fiddle out
They danced the night away
I can't remember anything
I don't know what to say
Written by
Charles Henderson
Categories:
confusion, funny, cousin, , cute,
My Whatcha Ma Call It
Has anyone seen my ding a ling?
You wouldn’t dare ask “what is it”.
I will just say it’s the cutest thing.
It must be a cousin of my widget,
about which my wife often digs.
It hasn’t a name, only a digit.
I also have some thing-a-ma-jigs
that attach to fishing lures, you know.
My heart sings making world famous rigs.
While pointing my do hickey just so
I turn on my color gizmo, git go.
© May 21 2010 For Catie’s “Beautiful Form” contest
Written by
Randy Johnson
Categories:
childhood, funny, happiness, cousin,
Oh My God, They Killed Kenny!
(This is a fictional poem)
I loved watching South Park on weekday nights.
But my cousin caused me not to be able to watch it and we got in a fight.
He smashed the TV screen and I had to pick up the glass.
When I got done, I kicked his ***.
I liked watching Cartman, Kenny, Stan and Kyle.
My cousin will be in the hospital for awhile.
Written by
Jerome Malenfant
Categories:
dark, gothic, humorous,
Cousin Eustace Makes Such a Horrible Sight
Cousin Eustace makes such a horrible sight
When he walks down the second-floor halls every night.
“He’s been up there for years,”
Said Aunt Agatha in tears,
“And it's such a bother when guests die from the fright.”
Written by
Deloris Booher
Categories:
humorous, me, cousin,
Witches
Witch, witch, witch
You see them in the streets
You see them in the stores
You see them standing in front doors
Witch, witch, witch
You're mother's a witch
You're sister is too
You're cousin is one
You're brother too, if he's that frufru
Witch, witch, witch
They're in the schools
They're in the town
Witches are all around
Witch, witch, witch
You can call me a witch
Call me what you will
But to you, that's MRS. *****!
Written by
Romeo Naces
Categories:
funny, cousin,
Kinship Lesson 2
Rat to Bat: "Sir, up close you look like a rat.
I"d like to call you cousin
if you won't mind that."
Bat to Rat: " No, impudent rodent, you're crass,
denizen of the gutter
without a touch of class.
You creep while I swoop, you crawl while I fly.
In evolution's totem pole
you're low, I'm high.
Im cousin of the larks, you're kin of the gnats.
Listen: Angels are to humans
as bats are to rats!"
Written by
Volodymyr Knyr
Categories:
body, cousin, food, humor, humorous,
The Least Delicious Part
The least delicious part of veal,
that's what your anus must reveal.
Volodymyr Knyr
2017
Written by
Randy Johnson
Categories:
friendship, funny, on writing and words, cousin,
Say It, Not Spray It
(This is a fictional poem)
My cousin spits lots of saliva when he talks.
If you're near him, you'll slip on the floor when you walk.
If he's standing on dirt, he turns it to mud.
If he talks too long, he causes a flood.
People are getting tired of being covered with spit.
I'll kick his ___ if he doesn't learn to say it, not spray it.
Written by
Caren Krutsinger
Categories:
child, children, cousin, funny,
Aunt Windell
Aunt Windell liked to control and direct
They immediately laugh
All toddlers under 4
Written by
Geoffery Mchugh
Categories:
funny, cousin,
Couch Blues (John Popper Rules!)
I was sitting on the couch with my cousin yesterday
watching old reruns of wonder-woman
eating funyans
and shootin' the breeze.
I said to him
"yo cuz, did you know that tv causes brain cancer?"
He didn't respond.
a couple of minutes later, when I lit a cigarette, he asked me
"Do you suppose Wonder Woman's boobs are real?"
"Nah,"I said."those are just pixels."
Written by
Randy Johnson
Categories:
funny, cousin,
Big Nose
My cousin sure does have a big nose.
10 pounds of boogers come out when he blows.
Restaurant owners have to protect theirselves by installing huge sneeze guards.
Once he got some boogers on me and I hit that moron hard.
He soon learned that when I slug somebody, it really stings.
His nostrils are so big that you can put bowling balls in those things.
If he wants to stay with you for a day or two, you'd better not let him stay.
And if you see my cousin about to sneeze, you'd better get out of the way.
(THIS IS A FICTIONAL POEM.)
Written by
Randy Johnson
Categories:
angst, animals, funny, cousin,
Molested By a Dolphin
(This is a fictional poem)
I warned my cousin not to swim with that dolphin.
He swam with it anyway but he won't do it again.
I told him the dolphin would molest him just like that dolphin molested Hank Hill.
When my cousin got in the water, he didn't know that the dolphin was looking for
a thrill.
He got molested and whenever he thinks about it, he gets ill.
I knew it would happen because I watch King of the Hill.
Written by
Randy Johnson
Categories:
funny, husband, wife, cousin,
George Bush Has a Tiny Wiener
(This is a fictional poem)
My cousin discovered something embarrassing about George Bush when they
were in the men's room together.
He lied when he told Bush that he'd keep it a secret forever.
The President has a wiener that is incredibly small.
He has to use a magnifying glass when he urinates because he can't see it at all.
His wiener is so small that it makes a tootsie roll look like a broomstick.
Bush is upset because all of America knows about his tiny ####.
Now that his secret is out, his wife is getting a divorce.
My two inch wiener used to embarrass me but compared to Bush, I'm hung like a
horse.
Written by
Romeo Naces
Categories:
animals, funny, people, cousin,
Some Conceited Bat
The rat to the bat: " Sir, up close
you look almost like a rat
so, I'd want to call you cousin,
if you don't mind being that."
The bat to the rat: "No way, impudent
rodent, you're so crass
denizen of the foul gutter,
you're without a touch of class,
" listen, presumptuous fool, I swoop,
you creep, you crawl, I fly
in evolution's totem pole,
you're down below, I'm way up high
" I'm first cousin of the larks,
you're brother of the ticks and gnats
remember this, angels are to humans
as bats are to rats."
Written by
Romeo Naces
Categories:
animals, funny, nature, cousin,
Millipede's Stampede
just moving about on its two rows of countless legs
looks to me a most complex and
complicated concern of the
millipede;
I wonder how its motor nerves ensure synchronization
of milli-leg motion so that not a single
leg may ever accidentally
impede
the smooth movement of the rest of its legs, avoiding
errors that might cause either limb
entanglements or a weird
stampede,
a blunder the millipede would rather keep to itself
and guard against being gossiped
about by creepers like cousin
centipede !
Written by
Randy Johnson
Categories:
family, funny, on writing and words, cousin,
He Took a Toke
(This is a fictional poem)
I sold my cousin some poison ivy but I told him that it was pot.
When he started itching, he regretted what he bought.
He rolled up a joint and took a toke.
When he didn't get high, many of my bones got broke.
I learned a valuable lesson as I looked at my bruises, cuts and scars.
Never try to pass poison ivy off as pot if the guy is bigger than you are.
Written by
Randy Johnson
Categories:
family, funny, people, lost, lost, cousin
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Dumb
(This fictional poem is based on a cartoon I drew)
My cousin is as dumb as he can be.
His IQ score is only twenty-three.
He and I both love those Indiana Jones movies.
We think they are neat and groovy.
But when we watched Raiders of the lost ark, we got in a fight.
It's a shame that this poor boy isn't very bright.
When I told him that Raiders of the lost ark was made in 1981, he said I was
lying.
I couldn't convince him it was the truth even though I kept trying.
I asked him why did he think I wasn't right.
He said it couldn't be true because from 1980 to 1983 Harrison Ford was frozen
in Carbonite.
Written by
Randy Johnson
Categories:
family, funny, people, cousin,
He's a Nut
(This is a fictional poem)
I have a cousin who's an idiot.
Everyone in town wants to kick his butt.
He smokes and drinks through his nose.
He does it wherever he goes.
He sticks a straw up his nose and sucks pepsi down his throat.
He has no friends because he has the table manners of a goat.
He had a cigarette up his nose and it had a big booger on the end of it.
When he offered me a puff of hi cigarette, I had a fit.
I gave him a black eye and I shoved a lit cigarette up his ###.
He got a bad burn and it hurts when he passes gas.
He's a moron and a nut.
People love to break their feet off in his butt.
Written by
Theresa M. Cash
Categories:
fun, humor,
Cousin and I
Cousin and I
My cousin and I couldn't sing
Thought we might just ring, ring
then along came Brett
we both got him wet
now we're running home for wings.
Written by
Randy Johnson
Categories:
confusion, family, funny, lost, lost, cousin
Lost
(This is a fictional poem)
When it comes to choosing roads to drive on, my cousin always makes the
wrong selections.
He gets lost and he's a man so you know he doesn't ask for directions.
He got lost in a town that's full of prostitutes and pimps.
He got out of there as fast as he could because he's a wimp.
Last week he got lost in a town that's full of hillbillies.
He accidentally smashed into somebody's trailer and they slapped him silly.
If you're like my cousin, don't drive a car.
You'll be better off staying where you are.
Written by
Subimal Sinha-Roy
Categories:
cousin, humorous,
An Epitaph
AN EPITAPH
Here lies my curious cousin Robin Rand
He went to explore the weeds in wetland
Slipping trousers he clutched in hand
Legs he couldn’t hold, sank in quicksand.
September 13, 2018
Written by
Caren Krutsinger
Categories:
cousin, food, humorous,
Should Have Dipped It For Cousin Sue
I might take some of that great beef stew
Let her dip her own, not having a clue.
She’d take all the beef, leaving veggie goo.
I asked my husband – you watched her do?
She was our guest, invited by you,
He said in defense, without a clue.
He should have dipped it up for Cousin Sue.
Next year’s feast will only be me and you.
I knew she was selfish, that is true.
But to take all the beef, that is new!
Go get some more beef to feed us two,
I told him angrily, pouting for stew.