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Funny Poems About Husband or Husband Funny Poems

Humorous and funny Husband poems and/or funny poems about Husband. Read, share, and enjoy these hilarious Husband funny poems! Also, try our sister website's powerful search engine for poems or see our other Husband Poems.

Poem Details | by SKAT A |
Categories: abuse, funny, husband, me,

BLACK and BLUE

BLACK and BLUE

Today I wonder, 
Wonder why?
You hit me in the eye, 
you made me cry.

My eyes are brown,
Now they're black and blue.
Is that what I get for loving you?

My lips are pink, now they're bloody red.
Is that what I get!!!
Do you wish I were dead?

My teeth are white, 
I just lost three, 
Is that what I get over a little fight? 
 
I see a smile underneath,
I see you leaving with the police.
I finally got rid of you.
I can't believe I waited, 
UNTIL I WAS BLACK AND BLUE.
        
 SK

NOTE: True story, I finally did the right thing and called the cops


Poem Details | by JSLambert Mister ROBOTO |
Categories: allegory, fantasy, father, funny, girlfriend-boyfriend, happiness, health, hope, husband, imagination, life, love, passion, people, places, romance, social, wife,

Viagra Falls

There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'

but when it got little 
his pills became skittles   
until he O.D.'d on Viagra

© ~JSLambert  2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!

Poem Details | by Shane Cooper |
Categories: funny, husband, wife,

A COOKED GOOSE





When you come home late at night
Open the door and turn on the light
You had better be extremely quite
Or your goodly wife you may excite

And I'm sure she will not be polite
When she orders you out of her sight
There is no use trying to be contrite
The dog will have company overnight

Your goose is well and truly cooked alright

 

Poem Details | by Susan Jeavons |
Categories: children, family, humor, husband, imagery, stress,

Monday Morning Madness

Monday Morning Madness

Just because the morning starts
like the morning straight from hell,
and the little one is screaming
and you need a magic spell,
just because you burned the pancakes
and the bacon, well it’s crisp,
do not rant and rave and stutter
or you’ll acquire a nasty lisp!
If your husband’s little habits
drive you batty, do not fret,
but don’t fill his cup with poison;
well, perhaps at least not yet!
If the dog destroyed your curtains
and your mother-in-law is back,
and you hurt your precious pinky
when you tried to nail a tack,
do not turn suicidal
and do not give up, no way!
After all it’s just the morning!
You still have the whole damn day!


Poem Details | by Jennifer Young |
Categories: body, caregiving, crazy, funny, health, husband, rude,

The Tale of the Dirty Dick

Girls, if you ever find a man of great persistence
Listen to your ******, and say NO! with adequate resistance
You see chicks, when a dude gets a hard dick
If it's dirty, it can make you super sick
Painful pisses and cloudy urine will follow suit
All because Dirty Dick Man wanted to discharge his root
So, ladies, beware...there are diseases out there
No Dick gets serviced until it's clean and faire
Run, scream, shout, "Spank your ****ing monkey!"
Please, I beg of you, do as I now  propose
Keep your ****** sparkling clean-never let it decompose.


Poem Details | by PAT Adams |
Categories: age, america, humor, husband, old,

Police Report

She told the police, Please help me
My husband is missing you see
First he was there, then he was gone
And I don't know where he could be

The police seemed concerned and said,
Describe this man that's not around
If we don't have a description
We fear he may never be found

He has a patch over one eye
The one that he lost in the war
He  wears a small hat on his head
That doesn't have hair anymore

He lost a finger sawing wood
And a toe when mowing the lawn
I guess he was mostly missing
before he was even gone!

Poem Details | by Sasha Marchlewski |
Categories: funny, husband,

Like a Fart

I'm like a fart
Puff I'm here
There is no easy escape
Once I am here
No one gets away
Once I've gone 
It's only a matter of time
Before I return


For my husband on chili night... Love you!!

Poem Details | by Caren Krutsinger |
Categories: humorous, husband, marriage,

Oreo Cookies

Oreo cookies
Followed me home

I wanted to keep them but they had better plans.
I ate eight of them yesterday, with cool, cold milk.

My husband asked today if I need anything from the store.
Oreo cookies! My happy side yells.
We have already gained so much weight, my ugly self complains.

My husband does not hear the words,
But he knows me well.

Oreo cookies
Followed him home.


Poem Details | by Caren Krutsinger |
Categories: food, funny, humor, humorous, husband, wife,

The Affair

“I think I’ll go out,” the husband said.
The wife let it slide for about a half hour.
Then she asked, “Where are you going?”
There was no reply, so she walked into the living room.
Immediately knowing. 

He had sneaked out, being careful to make no noise with the latch.
She knew what that meant.
She had him on a strict diet, and a locater application.
She got on her phone and looked at it.  
Immediately knowing.

As she suspected he was at the Donut Deli down the road
No doubt eating the things he was never supposed to eat.
He had had so many affairs with sweet, fried things.  
She got on her coat, determined to stop him.
Immediately knowing.

Poem Details | by JAN ALLISON |
Categories: humorous, husband, relationship, wife, word play,

A GREEK TRAGEDY


I knew an old woman from Greece Whose whinging words would seldom cease She’d constantly whine When drunk on red wine Her husband’s in dire need of peace! How much cash does a Grecian earn - such questions I tried hard to spurn Her husband went mad and did something bad - she’s interred in a Grecian urn! 8/20/19

Poem Details | by JSLambert Mister ROBOTO |
Categories: caregiving, childhood, confusion, family, father, children, funny, happiness, holiday, husband, imagination, life, mother, natural disasters, nature, parody, people, places, satire, social, son, teen, wife

Redneck FATHER'S DAY------

***NOTE~TO BE READ WITH A RIDICULOUS "SILKY SOUTHERN DRAWL" (have fun:)***



"Storm over yet...?"

"Well hay'ell ye'ah! 
 woo-hoo!
 sum'body git me a da'gumm cole beer.
 whadda'bou  that boy th'er?
 sum'body git him'a cole beer too!"

"Diddy! that boy ain't nothin' but 8 years old!"

"Wha'choo sayin? 
 wha'th'a?
 na'I don't give a jolly'durn, if he ain't nuttin but 8 year'owed!
 shoot! 
 'dat boy dun' sat him thr'ew a big ol', storm! 
 torna'durr warnin' too!
 he gonna have him'a cole burr;  
 on me!"
 my treat!
 mama, git him'a cole burr! 
 ro'tt now; 
 ya'here?
 besides...
 ta'days father's day!" 



© 2011  ~JSLambert Esquire

   










Poem Details | by Robert Candler |
Categories: confusion, home, humorous, husband, marriage, sexy, wife,

Quandary - A Husband's Haiku

The dishes are done,
Kids are asleep and dreaming.
Want to watch T.V.?

Privacy at last.
The kids will not disturb us.
Want to hug and smooch?

The dishes are done.
No one will disturb us, but
She's got a headache.

Whatever I did,
It must have been bad, because
She keeps saying, "No."

Poem Details | by Shanity Rain |
Categories: candy, change, desire, food, kids, funny, house, husband, imagination, mystery, poems, senses, sweet,

Sweet Carmel

The taste of homemade Carmel so sweet/ everyone I know desires the treat.

After one night in the kitchen covered/ half the pan gone, next morning discovered. 

 Is it my beagle Lily whom loves any food? / she seems in a hyper beagle mood.

 I know I heard a squeak in the night / a dream ? No, for low was the kitchen light.
           
 T'was my husband, for he can't resist/ soft , buttered brown sugar , a Vanilla twist.
           

Poem Details | by Stacey Brown |
Categories: funny, happy, husband, marriage,

Heaven

His lovely wife is named Heaven
She scolds him seventy times seven
Yet, Big Joe just never really cared
In Heaven he lives happily, hearing impaired!


Stacey Brown 2-6-14
Dr. Ram Mehta contest
Husbands are in heaven
whose wives scold not

Poem Details | by Shane Cooper |
Categories: funny, husband, mom, sexy,

A NIGHT WITHOUT THE KIDS

Yummy Mummy Chubby Hubby Jumping Pumping Moaning Groaning Huffing Puffing ****** Sarcasm Wants more Loud snore

Poem Details | by tom bell |
Categories: adventure, funny, husband, love, parody, passion, wife,

State Fair

There once was a woman named Shar,
Who went to her local State Fair,
Her husband came too,
Can't say no to you,
And they were quickly thrown out of there

Poem Details | by Deb Wilson |
Categories: funny love, husband,

Who You Callin' Fattie-A Limerick

There was an old woman called Hattie
whose hubby's name for her was fattie.
So she cooked his goose
hung him from a noose
then buried him in a cow pattie!

Poem Details | by john williams |
Categories: humorous,

Deaf Husband

I'm just about deaf because of me wife,
Her very loud voice has caused all the strife,
It always goes up an octave or two
When she thinks I've made an incredible blue,
Trouble is I've been making mistakes all of me life.

Poem Details | by iolanda Scripca |
Categories: funny, husband,

Woman-Owned Business Maker

Self-employed and partner in life
He "hired" some other guy's wife
Making golfing balls
Now he has two holes
My new business ?...Surgical Knives...

for Carolyn Devonshire's "Horrible Bosses"

Poem Details | by Tirzah Conway |
Categories: allegory, family, father, funny, husband, mother, wife

She really did get this call

I wish I could be a fly on the wall,
  
When my poor old mother gets the phone call,

        “He’s here at the bar
  
        Quick bring us your car,

Your husband just got in a brawl”

Poem Details | by Thomas Martin |
Categories: football, funny, humor, husband, men, wife,

Football and Spouse

football
is all

crowd roars
kick soars

a pass
at last

man cave
men crave

cold ones
at once

demand
she panned

but serve
the beer

and chips
for dips

hubby
must pee

walks out
on lout

and shops
till drops

lonely
lady

returns
and learns

the lout
passed out

flat beer
oh dear

the game
now tame

half time
her time

clap hands
to bands

the game
what game!

Poem Details | by James Fraser |
Categories: fun, humor, husband, loss, marriage, wife,

Prepare for the Worst

That's a week the wife has been missing For years I've so longed this hoping Prepare for the worst the Police said Panic thoughts in my head The Charity shop was not my so wishing

Poem Details | by Martin Kloess |
Categories: car, humor, husband, love, wife,

The Awwwsome Driving Lesson

The neighbors were running in fear
As into front room car did steer
What fate had approved
His words soon removed
Your parking’s improving my dear

Poem Details | by Nitesh Aggarwal |
Categories: computer-internet, family, children, funny, husband, wedding, wife

Double Disappointment

I woke up in rapture, when she started to sing.
Naughty whispers in my ears, “Someone’s coming”
My ecstatic view;
A child is due!
Then she continues, “My mother’s visiting”

Poem Details | by Sara Kendrick |
Categories: animals, funny, husband, life

Canadian Geese

.

                                        Canadian Geese
                                        Delightful sound
                          Husband's glasses squeeze nose