Humorous and funny Old poems and/or funny poems about Old. Read, share, and enjoy these hilarious Old funny poems! Also, try our sister website's powerful search engine for poems or see our other Old Poems.
'There was a wealthy old man from Kansas
Wasn't concerned if he caught the virus
He was wealthy you could tell
Owned ten rolls of cottonelle
Said If I die "least I've got a clean A. S. S. ".
Written 13th March 2020
Bully, the bull dog thought he was tough
He barked until his owner had enough
Bully went to the pound
A disgruntled old hound
He had a name change...now he's called "Scruff"
Blow Hard was a very ugly bullfrog
Sat in a pig sty on a rotten log
Boasted about his size
He was not very wise
Cuz the moron was eaten by a hog
There's an old geezer who has an ego
Told tales of his greatness for all to know
The haughty one cries
His tales were all lies
He's an old phony who has to eat crow
Bully, Blow Hard, and even that old Geezer dude
All three looked at life with eyes that were skewed
Moral of story...
There is no glory
In barking, boasting, or a haughty attitude
best friend, funny, grandfather, old,
Redeployed in an ugly skin
Pleated and spotted and grumpy within
What I call walking ,they call shuffling
I'm bending down to tie my shoe
While Im down here what else can I do?
When driving down my lip protrudes
Only for the dentist will I open mouth
Okay , Ill wave at you but I wont smile
The dog and the toilet are my only true friends
You get up to go and then you go again
Memories are yesterday
Forgetfulness is all over today
Ill tell you what it is
But forgot what I was going to say
Got to buy dogfood
Where are my glasses?
Who am I talking to?
They've all gone away
Such pleasure it gives yet thrown away
believe me it will happen to us all one day,
the only way out sadly is not alive
the secret being when in; how to survive,
my place of abode the teapot nice and round
in it one needs to ready the journey bound,
to leave one’s comfort zone mashed and up the spout
there’s always a way when need’s be; to get out!
© Harry J Horsman 2014
A sex mad codger named Bill
Swallowed a Viagra pill
His todger did rise -
You should see the size
It sure gave his wife a thrill
17th Feb 2015
Jen loves to go to bingo
Knows all the caller’s ‘lingo’
Her numbers come out
She gives a loud shout
Lose - she howls like a dingo
25th February 2015
humorous, nostalgia, word play,
One thing is for sure when tales are told
The "good old days" are sure to unfold
What made them grand
Was that we weren't good and we weren't old!
Mary Ann had a boyfriend that she
gave affection and great loyalty.
Since the age of sixteen
no one else had she seen
but she wanted more at thirty-three!
Her boyfriend, of course, had it made
since regularly, he would get laid.
So excuses he gave
when Mary Ann would rave
about marriage. . . and unwed they stayed.
Getting pregnant was her coup d'etat
when she said, “You will soon be a pa!”
She said, “Furthermore, Bruce,
I don’t need an excuse.
In my mind we’re a pair - common-law!”
For Black Eyed Susan's Excuses Poetry Contest
angst, animals, funny, pets, old, old,
At the risk of being called “rabble-rouser,”
I think poor old Barky Von Schnauzer,
should practice his aim,
his master to maim,
in the back end of his very best trousers!
My hero I would call dear old Barky,
if he could just muster the stealth of a sharky,
and covertly steer,
right straight for the rear,
of that great big old bag of malarkey!
I think I should send Barky a big four leaf clover,
so his bad luck would finally be over,
he could retire his fame,
move away, change his name,
to Bowser maybe Lassie or Rover!
Obviously I have been driven completely insane by that stupid t.v. commercial!
Happy St. Paddy's Day!
animals, funny, people, pets,
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
fun, funny, life, old, truth,
my shirts and shoes
are wearing out -
and they tell me
I am too
I patch and glue
to make them whole -
to make them new
I have holes in my soles
and frayed treads on my edges -
for the most part to get through
until one day
it will all fall apart
hopefully all at once
confusion, humorous, poets,
My muse is in a whirl
For she just doesn’t have a clue
Am I eligible to enter this contest …
I really don’t know what to do!
My age is of no concern to anyone but me
I may be twenty-one or I may be eighty three
Our friend retired at 35, I don’t class that as old
Fortunately for him his investments all struck gold
I’ve been posting on soup for well over a year
Therefore I can’t enter a ‘new’ poets contest
Does this make me an old poet?
Can I enter this ‘Old Poets’ contest - that is my dilemma!
Contest:- Inside my head For ‘Old’ Poets only
Sponsor:- John Lawless
age, funny, old, silly,
I am old. Old I am.
And frankly I don't give a damn.
I take bright pills for all my ills
And little rugrats call me gram.
Teeth are gone. Gone are they.
Can't chew my food the normal way.
I glue some in to fill my grin
I'm lucky if they stay all day!
I am vexed! Vexed am I!
And now I'm going to tell you why
I fall asleep in time to leap
And to the porcelain pony fly!
I am slow. Slow I am.
In stores I cause a traffic jam.
Joints go crack, can't bend my back
I failed my walker drive exam!
But say the word. The word just say.
And you and I can spend the day!
Let's eat prunes and sing some tunes
Then cuddle with my friend, Ben Gay!
funny, old, old,
Got an ice cream cone in one hand
While typing with the other
Why does ice cream make us seniors
Keep on begging for another!
Isn't ice cream only for kiddies?
Wow! That's surely not the case
Seen old folks down a chocolate sundae
Beg for more with a messy face!
Maybe it makes us feel younger
Or it's simply just a treat
As we lick away like a spaniel
A sensation that can't be beat!
Not shy about our craving
We'd fight for another scoop
There's other ways to try it
Imagine ice cream in vegetable soup?
So stay away from old folks
When they're lining up for some
They'll push and shove and step on you
For a scoop of butterscotch rum!
© Jack Ellison 2012
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She was sad and poor and feeling quite blue
So many children, the count was twenty and two
The cupboards were empty, they were really poor
Something needed to be done, the old lady swore
A sign ‘room for rent’ she put on the door
Three little pigs came, the room to rent
One look you could see, murder her intent
Now the freezer is full, no money she spent
The story she spread, the wolf was to blame
Now the poor old wolf has unwanted fame
All due to the old lady, what a terrible shame
age, america, humor, husband, old,
She told the police, Please help me
My husband is missing you see
First he was there, then he was gone
And I don't know where he could be
The police seemed concerned and said,
Describe this man that's not around
If we don't have a description
We fear he may never be found
He has a patch over one eye
The one that he lost in the war
He wears a small hat on his head
That doesn't have hair anymore
He lost a finger sawing wood
And a toe when mowing the lawn
I guess he was mostly missing
before he was even gone!
Imagination never diminishes with age;
on the contrary,
the loss of memory only enhances
the thoughts of what usta be...
Dale Gregory Cozart
There once was a crusty old hag
whose poetry made people gag.
She once wrote a sonnet,
the folks threw up on it
and tossed it away in a bag.
She went to a psychic who said,
while turning up cards black and red,
“I can see why they gripe,
just stop writing this tripe.
Have you thought of knitting instead?”
There was an old bull frog from Cork
Whose friends might've thought him a dork
But when flies would swarm in
And they all took a swim
Old frog used his tongue like a fork.
For Limerick Contest
angst, funny, on work and working, me, me,
(This is a fictional poem)
A 94 year old woman kicked my ###.
She beat the crap out of me and left me bleeding on the grass.
Every time I got up, she knocked me down again.
She beat me really hard and I sure as hell didn't win.
The fight started when she asked me to put out my cigar.
I told her that I'd shove it up her vagina and I guess I went too far.
When she got through beating me, I had lost most of my teeth.
Now people laugh at me and all I feel is grief.
funny, life, time,
Time--it moves like a scalded cat,
And I--I creep like a snail.
Like a long tailed cat in a lawn mower's path,
I am nearing the end of my tale.
Now, it's said that you're only as old as you feel,
And aging, they say, doesn't hurt,
But, try to believe you're as young as you feel,
When you feel like you're older than dirt.
age, humorous, old, parents,
Ninety Nine Years old
When I was 99 years old
My Mother said to me
Always be a good Boy
Then you’ll live older than me
When I was 99 years old
My Father said to me
Help me tidy the Kitchen Son
Grandma’s coming to Tea
Jock always wore a sporran and kilted
Wore a clan tartan hat that looked quilted
But couldn't cope with the stares
And so now trousers he wears
Cos everything below has now wilted...
Word got round the town now everyone knows
Why Jock has taken to wearing strange clothes
He used to flash all his bits
Have the young lassies in fits
But now too embarrassed when the wind blows...
(a sporran is a small leather pouch worn with a kilt that serves as a wallet as kilts don't have pockets)
Written 26 September 2020.
adventure, children, funny, woman, old, old,
Old Roger is dead and gone to his grave,
Hum,ha! gone to his grave.
They planted an apple tree over his head,
Hum,ha ! over his head.
The apples grew ripe and ready to drop,
Hum,ha ! ready to drop.
There came a high wind and blew them all off,
Hum,ha ! blew them all off.
There came an old woman to pick them all up,
Hum,ha ! pick them all up.
Old Roger got up and gave her a knock,
Hum,ha ! gave her a knock.
Which made the old woman go hipperty hop,
Hum,ha ! hipperty hop.
Old Davy Crockett
You really can't knock it
A great shot was he
Killed a bear when he was only three